Posts Tagged ‘life coach’
How To Not Sweat The Small Stuff And Find Happiness
Learning to not sweat the small stuff is a phrase filled with much wisdom. The important piece to this statement is learning to live in the moment. But how can we learn to stay more in the moment so that we don’t let the little things bother us so much that we lose our happiness? Here is my technique on how to not sweat the small stuff.
Step one is to actually reframe the question of how not to sweat the small stuff. If something is bothering someone, then it’s not “small stuff” to them. Judging another’s perception as to the gravity of a situation negates what they’re feeling and expressing. Although, I do hope to eventually get them to a point in the future where they can laugh at it and say, ah, that really was small.
But, to not sweat the small stuff, to get to the point of recognizing the smallness of some of our concerns, the question I’ll ask the client is “in the scope of everything going on in your life and in the world today, where does this issue fit?” If they’re honest with themselves and with me, they’ll understand the inner challenge in that question. Placing our perceived large stressor in judgment against the stressors of the world gains us a new perspective on our place within the larger community.
To clarify, I don’t typically advocate comparing one person’s troubles to another person’s troubles since we all cope in different ways, even to the same stressors. But in cases when an issue which is seemingly small yet perceived as large, then changing one’s perspective through comparison can be eye-opening and therapeutic.
When we sweat the small stuff and get stuck in our focus on anxiety, we need a strategy to guide us in healthy non-anxiety producing coping skills. The approach I use is what I affectionately call “the shiny object” strategy.
This strategy diverts our attention to focus on something different from that which is producing our anxiety, similar to shaking a shiny object in a dog’s or baby’s face to divert their attention to something else. Eventually, while diverted, we forget that which were focused on and which was causing the anxiety. This exercise guides us to reframe our perspective on ourself and our world.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
I’ve spent a couple of decades working with people suffering from the disease of addiction, and one of their complaints to me is how their fellowship sponsor responds to them when they share they have a craving. They tell me they would call their sponsor and say, “I have a craving to use.” Invariably the sponsor would reply with something to the effect of, “Hey, did you watch the game last night?” The conversation would turn to sports, or whatever topic the sponsor wished to discuss. But it was invariably any topic other than the issue of the person’s craving to use a drug or drink.
My clients would complain that the sponsor isn’t helping when they reach out with a craving. They complain that the sponsor will talk about everything except for the reason they called, their craving. My question to the client, when they were done complaining, is always “did you use? Did you give in to the craving?” The client would always answer with one word, “no.” Isn’t that the goal the client wanted? They didn’t want to give in to their craving, and in the end, they didn’t.
This is a prime example of the shiny object theory. Keep focusing on your craving, and the craving will increase in intensity; stop focusing on your craving, and shortly, it will go away. In the same way, if I have a headache and I’m focused on my headache, my headache gets worse. If I have a headache but take care of that headache and return to my day’s activities, my headache seemingly goes away.
If someone decides to sweat the small stuff, remember that to them the issue they are sweating is not small. There is a reason they are sweating the issue, so don’t focus solely on the issue itself, rather, spend the time to learn why the issue is bothering the person the way it is.
If you’re feeling something irritating you, annoying you, bothering you, sticking with you, spend time reflecting on the deeper issues. Take time out, take a breath, focus on it, and dig in to figure out what’s happening so you can solve the root problem. When you solve the root problem, you will no longer sweat the small stuff.
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Life Management Tips For A Happy Life
Life management became the focus of my live interview on the LA radio show “Ask Brien.” This business-focused show turned into a life coaching episode as the topic of time management easily and quickly moved into life management. Check out the full interview below.
The host asked me to define and talk about time management, especially for new entrepreneurs struggling to grow a new business while balancing their personal lives. I believe that time management consists of taking a holistic picture of what’s happening in the present moment, therefore time management is akin to life management. Time management is focusing on ways to get done what needs to now while planning for the next task.
Time management, like life management, is most effective when you approach your tasks and day with a sense of reasonable expectations. If your expectations of what and when you can accomplish tasks are unreasonable, you’re going to set yourself up for failure. The problem is you’re going to end up at the end of that day saying, not only did I not accomplish what I wanted to, but because I didn’t meet my expectations, there’s something wrong with me. This way of thinking will lead you into a downward spiral of negativity. Yet in reality, there might not be anything wrong with your approach except having too high of expectations which were totally unreasonable.
How does one create reasonable expectations? Well, you really have to get honest with yourself and figure out what you can realistically accomplish and stick to that. Often, especially with entrepreneurs who are starting out doing their own business, it’s a one-person show; they don’t have a team. Therefore, you get into the mindset that I’ve got to do everything by myself. So everything becomes a priority. So as not to burn out you really have to figure out what it is you can and can’t do.
Be honest with yourself about what you know, what you’re good at, what you can do, and what’s reasonable. Then you’ll need to come up with a solution for what needs to get done. That solution becomes part of your to do list. So I think one of the things we need to do in time management is to begin to understand those areas that I can work on and those areas where I need to find somebody else or some other business to make it happen.
Download Chris Shea’s “Business Coaching Services” booklet on why you should have Lifesjourney consult with your business: Click here to get it
Recently, I find most people are coming to me for life coaching, stating that their life is stressful, their job is the worst, or their relationship isn’t what they think it should be. This is what people are feeling, but what’s really going on is a sense of a lack of purpose in life being manifest or showing itself through stress and anxiety. People are asking the questions, “what is my life about?” “Where am I going with my life?”
An aspect of many people’s outlook that I’ve observed is a focus on the negatives of life, If you’re always looking at life as negative, you’re only going to see the negative. Those who are asking questions about the purpose in life are actually looking at the positive in life. They want answers or solutions, and by their nature, solutions are positive.
We need to change our perspective on that piece right there. There’s nothing wrong with questioning, but we also have to see life from a whole different perspective based on whatever is happening now.
We need to acknowledge what the negatives are in our life. I’m not saying to deny the negatives, that’s part of our reality, but we don’t want to just focus on them. So we can say, here are all the negatives going on in my life right now, but also, what are the positives going on in your life right now? There’s always something that you can find which is positive. I guide my clients on how to look at things differently so that they can not only find the positives but also to create the solutions.
Life management covers not only perspective and expectations but our outlook on life in general. Check out the entire interview for more information on my take on being a realist while practicing mindfulness.
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Selfishness Is NOT Mindfulness: My Approach To Life Coaching
Selfishness is overwhelmingly the norm of our culture. Yet at the same time, self-help practitioners and life coaches are promoting practices such as mindfulness and self-awareness into an age of selfishness, enabling that selfishness to become the emerging goal of mindfulness. I fear that maybe my mission of life coaching is partly to blame for this selfishness, even though my approach to life coaching is very different from most coaches.
As a life coach, speaker, and author on the topic of finding inner peace through mindfulness, I fear that maybe my life’s mission is to blame for this selfishness. Have I been leading people astray? Actually, no!
A close examination of my material and mindfulness itself eschews selfishness in all of its manifestations. So why the existential angst that I’m feeling? Our culture encourages individuality, no pain, no suffering, only encouragement, praise, and a “way to go” for every action performed. Individualism based on the absence of hardship inevitably leads one to believe themselves as the center of the world. For most people, the focus is on self, and on being happy.
Insert the practice of mindfulness and the various claims from life and wellness coaches that they will make you happy, healthy, and prosperous if only you practice mindfulness in their way, and BOOM, an industry is born from the selfish tendencies of our culture.
What makes me different from other life and wellness coaches is that I do not promise you your dreams. I work in leading you to find inner peace, resulting in self-love expressed in action. My goal is not to make you healthy, thin, successful, or wealthy. Honestly, I don’t care if you succeed or fail in aspects of your life. My goal is for you to find inner peace regardless of what is happening in your life. The key to finding this peace is spelled out in my PATH program with it’s focus on teaching you to shift your priorities and perception.
The issue of selfishness is not because of mindfulness, the problem is in the promises being made about success, health, and happiness. In a previous article, I wrote against this idea of seeking happiness as a life goal.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
Historically, the arrival of mindfulness to the US is attributed to Jon Kabat-Zinn. In 2013 Kabat-Zinn wrote this definition of mindfulness (bold mine): “Mindfulness is the psychological process of bringing one’s attention to the internal and external experiences occurring in the present moment, which can be developed through the practice of meditation and other training.”
According to Robert Sharf, “the Buddhist term translated into English as ‘mindfulness’ originates in the Pali term sati and in its Sanskrit counterpart smṛti. Smṛti originally meant ‘to remember,’ ‘to recollect,’ ‘to bear in mind’. … [S]ati is an awareness of things in relation to things, and hence an awareness of their relative value. Sati is what causes the practitioner of yoga to ‘remember’ that any feeling he may experience exists in relation to a whole variety or world of feelings that may be skillful or unskillful, with faults or faultless, relatively inferior or refined, dark or pure.”
Where in this ancient or current definition of mindfulness does one find selfishness? One doesn’t, for what is written is quite the opposite of selfishness. Reflecting on the phrases, I placed in bold, we see that mindfulness is focused on one’s entire experience of life, not just the happy moments, thoughts, or emotions. As professor Thomas Joiner writes: “Accepting one’s thoughts as mere thoughts is very different from treasuring one’s thoughts; one may as well treasure one’s sweat or saliva. This is about recognizing that each thought is inconsequential and thus not worth getting depressed or anxious about.”
The goal of mindfulness is for us to slow down enough to fully experience life. Mindfulness is not a means to avoid negative aspects of life, but to fully live those experiences to learn how to cope with them healthily. Mindfulness asks us to be aware of all of our emotions, to feel everything, even the negativity. In so doing, we end up coping with what we at first wanted to avoid.
Mindfulness does not lead us away from reality into false or naive happiness; instead, it immerses us into our present reality. Mindfulness only talks about the self in the context of the necessary inward reflection. But to stay in the inward self is what makes one selfish. Selfishness does not and cannot lead to a sense of inner nor outer peace!
Why? Because the state of being at peace involves one’s actions becoming in sync with one’s values and morals. The ideology of morality exists in light of our interactions within a culture of other people. Separating oneself (selfishness) from society implies no need for a set of morals as there is no one upon whom you will transgress.
Therefore, finding inner peace directs one to seek an outer peace, and for that to happen, we need to work together for the common good; an anti-selfishness. Working together for the common good involves action, and action is as necessary as the practice of mindfulness itself. We aren’t utilizing mindfulness as a tool for merely learning about self for the sake of knowledge, but for that knowledge to help us understand our place in the broader community. Mindfulness guides me to be the best version of me, not for me to hold onto, but for me to share my best version of self with the community.
Living mindfully is a daily practice of noticing everything. The emphasis is on full awareness of our experience to avoid denial of reality. Mindfulness, when used as intended, will lead one to a deeper understanding of self and the experience of inner peace. But mindfulness does not result in selfishness or personal gains, save the personal benefit of more profound knowledge as to who you are. Mindfulness and inner peace lead us outside of ourselves to working with others in creating a just and peace-filled world, something selfishness knows nothing about.
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How I Cope With Chronic Pain Management Using Mindfulness
Unfortunately, many people struggle with chronic pain management, as do I. Over time I’ve gained insights into what techniques work for me and which don’t work. Much of the content of my life coaching message comes from my personal pain management struggles. One thing I have learned with certainty, there are ways to manage pain and discover pain relief daily.
Pain, whether it be physical or emotional, is unavoidable. As I write this, about seven years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, an overall body pain due to overstimulated nerves. It took a while to find that diagnosis and a couple of years more to find the right combination of medications. I’ve reflected much on pain and how best to live with chronic pain, gaining insights into chronic pain management, yet the learning continues.
We try our best to avoid pain, almost at all costs. Personally and as a society, we make every effort imaginable to avoid, end, or numb, all pain. Yet, the more we try, I feel the more we end up still in pain and not feeling at peace or happy. According to the US Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, “In 2012, health care providers wrote 259 million prescriptions for opioid pain medication, enough for every adult in the United States to have a bottle of pills.” This reality is one of the reasons we have the current opioid crisis as narcotic pain medicines are addictive, even when taken as prescribed. Yet there’s a better way to deal with the pain rather than medicating our way out of it.
In my experience, I ask what I feel is the central question “Why do we feel pain?” Maybe if we understood the “why” we would better understand how best to cope with pain.
According to Barbara Finlay “The basic function of pain is the same for all vertebrates: it alerts an animal to potential damage and reduces activity after trauma.” In other words, pain is necessary as it alerts us to a problem we need to address. For example, continuing to walk on a broken leg causes more damage to the leg. The pain of the fractured leg forces us to stop and adequately deal with the break. The same is true when we are feeling emotional pain, all too common for us who live with chronic pain. Our emotional pain warns us that we need to take care of ourself by pausing to deal with the cause of the pain. If we choose to ignore the root cause of our emotional pain, as with our physical pain, we will live thinking and feeling in unhealthy ways, never feeling better or at peace.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
So why is it that we spend copious amounts of energy and money to avoid pain? If pain is necessary for our physical and emotional well being, why do we fight so hard to get rid of it? Don’t misinterpret what I am saying, for I am not saying pain itself is to be desired! Instead, I am saying that pain is a part of our life, and so learning to cope with pain instead of numbing or avoiding pain will lead us to physical and emotional health and peace.
In an article titled “How To Stop Using Hunger To Numb Your Emotions,” a podcast guest of mine, Brandilyn Tebo writes: “I fundamentally believed that I was not allowed to have what I really wanted until I proved that I was’ worthy’ enough. So I would rather numb my desires than feel them because not feeling anything was easier than wanting the fulfillment that I couldn’t have.”
Brandilyn’s description of numbing her pain hits close to home. Daily chronic pain takes a toll on us emotionally as we physically struggle with everyday tasks, while at the same time wondering why we’re different, why me, why this? The feelings and thoughts we have are meant to be felt so that we can find meaning out of our suffering.
Suffering without meaning is a waste, but suffering, when we allow it to teach us leads us more deeply into ourselves. We begin to understand that we too have a place in the world; we also have a purpose. Finding our purpose gives us a reason to keep going!
Our (my) desire to not feel tricks us into believing that life is somehow more comfortable. But in not feeling we aren’t coping with the deeper issue, we’re simply ignoring the pain. As we numb the pain, we take away our power to cope with our pain, and healing doesn’t take place. Not unlike a broken leg numbing the pain does not heal the leg nor deal with the cause or issue of our suffering.
Learning how best to cope with pain is not easy, but is doable and essential if we wish to feel peace, happiness, and freedom. Those times when my pain is so intense that I literally can’t get out of bed or get to work are not just physically painful. Realizing that I can’t do what I used to do because of some stupid illness turns the frustration to anger, an anger I turn on myself until it morphs into a depressive pitty party. This is a dark place many of us know all too well.
Yet, when we find purpose and meaning in our life, those times of intense pain and darkness can be pushed aside, replaced by the desire to regain my power so I can fulfill my purpose. I know, trust me, that this is easier said than done, as it demands an inner strength to replace the darkness with the light of a life lived on my terms, not the illness’ terms.
Here a few strategies I have learned which help me cope with my pain:
- Acknowledge the pain. Avoid the temptation to numb the pain. Instead, recognize that the pain is telling you something. Reflect on the cause of the pain and look at ways you can change your thoughts and emotions about the pain.
- Realize that you are not alone. Understand that what you are experiencing is also experienced by many others. There is no pain that only one person in this entire world suffers from. Seek out others who daily struggle with coping from a similar illness. Console and aid each other. When we help others, we feel better about ourselves. Seek out support groups, online sites, chat rooms, etc.
- Embrace your true self. Acknowledge to yourself that you aren’t perfect and that there are aspects of yourself in need of improvement. Yet, at the same time, there are aspects of yourself which are good and healthy. No one is perfect; we all have our flaws. Embrace that which you wish to numb, then do the work needed to make changes in your life. “I thought that if I allowed the rejected parts of myself to be expressed, that I would lose myself. What I discovered was that only through facing and eventually embracing these parts of myself did I truly find myself.” (Brandilyn Tebo)
There is so much more I could say about pain and my experiences, but for the goal of this article, I’d like to end with a quote from the author and priest Henri Nouwen: “Consolation is a beautiful word. It means “to be” (con-) “with the lonely one.” To console does not mean to take away the pain but rather to be there and say, “You are not alone, I am with you. Together we can carry the burden. Don’t be afraid. I am here.” That is consolation. We all need to give it as well as to receive it.”
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How To Stop Blaming Others For The Opioid Epidemic
The blame game is alive and well, but we need to stop blaming others. The opioid epidemic grows while we as a society are blaming others and judging those who are addicted to the opioid drugs. We must work together for a viable resolution to this epidemic, and here are my suggestions.
It appears to be human nature for us to want to find a reason, cause, or another person to blame for something that has happened to us or to a loved one. Think of how easy it is for us to throw blame around when we are caught practically red-handed in an act. How did we learn this?
The blame game has been with us since our earliest days of childhood. As a child, we tried the excuse that someone else made me do it to see if that excuse would work. Depending on your childhood it had varying success, yet any time that it worked we learned that blaming was a viable excuse. As we’ve grown into adulthood many of us continue to use this excuse.
Many of my clients want to find who is to blame for the way they are today. They are convinced that if they find out which parent or sibling created the current negative thoughts or behaviors all would somehow magically be well. Yet this isn’t the case, so I don’t allow my clients to go down that path.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
When my clients, or even ourselves, wish to find someone in the past to blame for our current situation all that we are doing is avoiding our responsibility and our actions for making a change today. Even if there were someone from our past legitimately responsible and whom we could blame, how would that change who I am today? All that does is to serve as knowledge but doesn’t give me anything to do that will change how I feel or act today. Therefore, I stay away from the blame game in all situations as it serves no purpose in the present but only to educate us about the past. So even if a client’s parents were to blame for their current situation it is still up to the client themselves to make the necessary changes which will make their lives better. The same goes for the blame game when it comes to addiction and the opioid epidemic.
Over the past couple of decades, I’ve worked with thousands of people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, guiding them into lives of recovery. Each of them needed to work on their present lives and make changes so that their recovery would be a daily way of life. Blaming their families, communities, doctors, or Pharmaceuticals only serves to focus our anger away from what needs to be dealt with at the present moment. At this moment we need to take action and make changes as a society or else this opioid epidemic will not end.
I don’t write this out of a naive ignorance to the societal factors and big business practices which led to the epidemic and opioid overdose deaths we are encountering today. I can make a very long list of who I would blame for this opioid epidemic, but as I’ve stated, what’s the point? What we need right now are solutions and actions to ensure that this epidemic does not become a generational epidemic.
I suggest that the first change which needs to be made is a philosophical shift in how we as individuals and society think of addiction. Many in society do not believe that addiction is a disease unlike any other mental health or medical disease. Their blaming the person with the addiction only serves as a moral judgment on a person’s character. Yet if that same person were to suffer from any other chronic medical disease they would receive the proper care without question and without judgment.
For example, a person who is discharged from addiction treatment and later relapses is judged for their lack of willpower and character. In many instances, they are not allowed back into treatment or they are told to find a different treatment facility. Yet a person who is discharged from the hospital recovering from a heart attack who is told what changes they need to make in their physical activity, as well as diet, are not judged or criticized if they fail to make those changes and end up with another heart attack. What’s the difference? The one person did not follow the recommendations of their treatment provider and returned to drug use while the other person did not follow the recommendations of their treatment provider and had another heart attack. Yet the person who suffers the second heart attack will be readmitted to the hospital without question nor judgment. This societal attitude must change!
What can we do to make a difference in solving this opioid epidemic? Here are my suggestions:
- Educate ourselves on the current state of the opioid epidemic and learn about your local resources available to help those suffering from addiction and struggling in recovery.
- Gather as a neighborhood or community pooling together your resources to work on viable solutions unique for your community. As a society, we need to stop saying that we want this epidemic to stop while at the same time deny the building of treatment centers or recovery housing near or in our neighborhoods.
- Doctors and Mental Health Counselors need to be educated about the addiction field and best practices for treating those who are in active recovery. As a counselor and an educator myself, I find it disheartening that the addiction courses I teach to those in the counseling profession are only electives and not mandatory courses. Medical professionals such as doctors are in the same educational situation where they may only have to take one addiction studies class in their entire career. This is not to blame either of these professions but to provide them the necessary knowledge and tools since they are in the front line of this epidemic.
- Be compassionate to those you know who are in recovery or still suffering from their active addiction, and don’t forget about their families who also need compassion and support.
If we tackle this opioid epidemic in light of its medical and mental health status we will turn this around and as a society, we will reap the rewards of a healthy populace.
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How To Find Peace In The Holiday Stress
The time of the year between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day is filled with high expectation leading us into holiday stress. The expectation for perfection is great, causing us stress and a lack of peace when we desire this to be a time of joy with the celebration of family traditions. Here are my 4 tips to find peace in the holiday stress.
This time of the year is when I reflect upon my own childhood memories; memories filled with awe and wonder as the world seemed to be magical. Unfortunately, this time of the year is also one of increased holiday stress due to all the activities we feel we need to do. Our wish to make this time of the year “perfect” increases our expectations, many of them unreasonable, causing us to overwork in our planning efforts.
As a child, I fondly recall watching the animated Christmas specials and reading all the Christmas books I could find. Those stories not only have positive endings, but most of them also depict perfection. In these stories families gather and get along with each other, the house is majestically decorated, the dining room table set to rival the fanciest restaurant. My favorite American painter, Norman Rockwell, painted scenes of American life; some showing pain and suffering, others idyllic life scenes. Rockwell’s holiday paintings are among my favorite as they depict a world I wish existed, although knowing that a perfect world doesn’t exist.
This longing of mine, like the desire and longing of many other people, is part of the cause of our holiday stress during this season. We tend to focus our attention on the memories of the past, coupled with fictional idealisms of the holiday, producing a desire to re-create what never was, nor most likely ever will be. The holidays, as we perceived them in childhood, cannot now be reproduced through our adult perceptions, nor can we expect to create an experience depicted in the controlled environments of scripts, actors, and a stage.
The issue that I encounter this time of the year is one of unrealistic expectations which create the holiday stress that takes away our peace. Trying to re-create a “perfection” which actually never existed means that we will fall short in our attempts. Not achieving my expectations could be interpreted as a failure.
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
We have control over our feelings in the current moment. Let’s not lose the experience of what is happening by living in either the past or the future. Experience the present moment for what it is. As I recall my childhood memories of the holidays, I try to keep them focused on the experience of the moment. Don’t let an expectation of perfection cloud the beauty and the feeling of the memory. Enjoy the memory without trying to do anything with or to it. Live the moment without expectation and you will find that the holiday stress of perfection will fade.
During this holiday season, here are the steps I am working on to keep myself as stress-free as possible:
- Refocus expectations: Take time to reflect on your expectations, considering what is realistic and what is not realistic. For example, we may want a house decorated as we’ve seen in advertisements, but, no matter how hard we try it never looks as it does in the pictures. If you reframe your expectation and perception, you would recognize that you haven’t failed, actually, you created something unique, something that reflects you, not an ad.
- Change your perception: Changing the way we perceive ourselves will change our perception of our world. Therefore, changing our view of this time of the year will change our expectations and so reduce our stress. For example, if you are hosting family, and the reality is that your uncle always makes a fool of himself at these family gatherings, keep your perspective focused on reality. Plan for what you can in expectation of your uncle’s shenanigans, for when your uncle acts as he always acts, don’t let it stress you; he is only doing as you expected him to do (and you previously planned for it). At least he’s consistent.
- Learn from your past: It’s important to spend time reflecting on our past, honoring the memories for what they are, and sharing them with current family and friends. Our past has shaped who we are today. Use the lessons of the past to create a present moment of peace. The purpose of the past is not to be recreated in the present, but to be incorporated with the present. Take what was positive for you in the past and use it in the present. What wasn’t positive for you in the past, modify now in the present to be positive. Our past was not perfect; don’t expect the present or the future to be perfect either.
- Simplify your life: Easier said than done, I know. But if you think about it, our material goods, although useful, can be a source of our stress when our focus emphasizes “things”. Living simply means keeping a proper focus, or perspective, on what is truly important in life. Keep your expectations and perceptions rooted on who you are, not on who you think you should be.
During this holiday season, take the time to enjoy the wonders, joy, and magic of the season. Keep your perspective and expectations reasonable to reduce your holiday stress. Most importantly, focus on what is truly important to you!
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An Expert Life Coach Shares Successful Ways to Change Perspective
Many of us are negatively bothered by the small annoyances in life. Expert life coach Chris Shea shares his successful way to change perspective and live happier.
It’s usually not the big things that affect us as much as the accumulation of these daily small annoyances. We find ourselves lashing out in anger or snapping at others for what they may feel is a small matter, but you are really lashing out not over that issue specifically, rather you are reacting to an accumulation of small issues.
When my clients complain about issues in their life, regardless of my opinion, I try to refrain from labeling it “the small stuff”. If something is bothering someone I don’t want to say “small stuff” as that negates what they’re feeling. Although, I hope to get them to a point when someday in the future they can recognize the current issue was something small and can be now laughed at.
To get to that point of laughing at ourselves over the small stuff one of the questions that I’ll ask my clients is, “in the scope of everything going on in your life and in the world right now, where does this fit?” The question is an attempt to change perspective and put into focus that which is truly important in life.
When we get mentally stuck focused on what is truly a small matter, we need to divert our attention to refocus on something else. Eventually, you’ll forget what you were previously focused on. This helps to reframe our perspective. It’s like a laser pen for cats, keeping their attention focused on a point, not on anything else. We, as humans, act and react the same way a cat does with the laser pointer.
I’ve spent over 20 years working with people suffering from addictions to later work on their recovery while learning how to cope with cravings for their drug of choice. One of the complaints I frequently hear from my former clients is about their sponsor/mentor in guiding them through a craving. They complain to me that when they would be having a craving they would call their sponsor and say “I’m having a craving” and the sponsor would reply “hey did you watch the game last night?”
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
The former client would be dismayed that their sponsor only wanted to talk about the game instead of the craving. They would wonder what’s wrong with their sponsor that they wouldn’t talk about the craving? They’ll suggest to me that they need a new sponsor who cares for them and not some game.
My question to this person in recovery, after listening to their story, is always “well did you use last night?” “No”, they would reply. To which I state “isn’t that the goal you were going for, not using?”
If I have a headache and I focus on my headache then my headache gets worse. If I do what I need to do to take care of that headache and then do something else, my headache seems to get better or even goes away. Changing our focus or perspective takes us away from unhealthy thoughts toward either healthy or neutral thoughts. I call it the shiny object effect. If your cat or dog (or even young child) is fixated on something you don’t want them to be fixated on, simply flash a shiny object and their fixation changes to the new object. You can do this literally or figuratively with yourself and other humans.
Changing perspective helps us understand that some of life’s issues are small and not worth our time, energy, or negativity. Distracting myself from the small issue is but one aspect of coping with the small stuff; understanding and coping with the idea that it’s a small issue is vital.
Prioritizing life’s issues allows us to choose what we will and will not give time or energy to. If the issue, in the scope of what’s happening in the world, won’t make a difference, then let it go. If the issue rises to the level of needing to be addressed, then do so in a healthy, conscious, and productive manner.
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The Uplifting Story Of How I Found Inner Peace
In this article, I share with you an interview by Jan Bowen who speaks with me about my life’s journey and how I came to be the person I am today. I share about my childhood influences, the curves my life has taken over the decades, and the influences which have shaped me to be who I am today.
You’ll learn that many of the topics which I write about have their origins in my life’s experiences. I don’t write from theory, I write from my own struggles and self-learning.
Finding inner peace is possible because I have found my inner peace. Read along and you’ll understand the evolution of my thought and insights. You too can find your inner peace, and I feel honored guiding you to that peace.
Jan Bowen: Well, as you may or may not know, on this show I talk about how people found their purpose, and how they live the life that they do. With you, it’s so intriguing to me because the name of your website is exactly what I want to talk about. The website that Chris has is lifesjourneyblog.com. Chris, what was your life journey to the point that you are now in your career? What brought you here?
Chris Shea: That’s a long, winding journey. In hindsight, all good. But the somewhat short of it, I spent most of my career up in the Baltimore area, and I was involved in doing counseling work plus administration work. I was honored to run in-patient medical treatment facilities. We specialized in drug and alcohol treatment, but we were in-patient medical. I really enjoyed being an administrator because the way I looked at that is I was able to help a lot of people. Even though I didn’t always have a caseload, it was still very rewarding for me. These were always nonprofits, so that was something that was important to me, giving back to the community. But, I’m a type “A” person. I love to always be busy. I’m still very busy. But back then, the busyness began to take over my life. In the busyness, everything else seemed to go off to the wayside.
Chris Shea: Work and career, titles, prestige, all of that became more important. As my career took off, I got into speaking at national conferences and started writing and getting published in journals, and I found myself pretty high up in my field as far as being known in what I was doing. As rewarding as that is, it brings a lot of stress and anxiety if you’re not keeping up a balanced life and taking care of yourself, neither of which I was doing. For me, the big change came when I started to realize I needed to slow things up a bit. An opportunity came here down in Leonardtown (where Chris currently lives), and I thought, “Maybe this is a good time in my life to start different, to get away from the city, get away from all that and just do something totally different.” That’s when I picked up the campus ministry job, which was awesome, and I loved every minute of that.
Chris Shea: The issue for me came in when the academic year ended, and I now have three months off. For me, the thought of that was, “Hey, this is awesome. I got three months paid vacation basically. Way to go.” I’ve never had three months off before, except for the times that I was laid off. Then I was off, but that was different. After getting close to about week two of being off, that’s when it hit me, and things started going downhill for me at that point because the type “A” in me, the person who has been going from corporate world and all the stressors that had, and all the pressures that were on me … that was gone. There was nothing. I kinda hit that brick wall of this nothingness, of what do I do? I kind of was almost in a depression type stage. It wasn’t fun. I needed something to do. I spent a good number of weeks through this struggle in eventually finding mindfulness and finding meditation again, and beginning to consciously slow myself into looking more at who I am.
Chris Shea: As I did that, I decided to do some journaling. But instead of doing journaling in some diary or folder, I decided to do a blog. Why not? I’m on a computer all the time. That’s really where Lifesjourney came about, was a blog more so as a public diary, more as a journal. Really, it was just for me to have some outlet. And from there, that was probably what, six-ish or so years ago? From there, we now have what I’m doing. Now it’s a private practice, I’ve authored some books, doing speakings, I now have a podcast. It’s grown into what it is today, and it keeps me extremely busy. But the difference is, I’m busy intentionally. What I mean by that is, I’m only doing what it is that I feel I’m able to do, and I’m trying to do it in a way that’s still healthy for me. I’m still trying to practice those daily routines of the meditation and taking care of self, and looking at self. Very different than what I was doing before. Long and short of it, here I am.
Jan Bowen: Thank you very much for sharing all of that. There are lots of pieces in there I’d love to explore a little more. One, I think it’s really important that people hear that the path isn’t always smooth, it’s not straight, and it does have pitfalls.
Chris Shea: Yes, it does. Yeah, definitely if somebody thinks that, “I can go from point A to point B in a straight line,” you are gonna end up with having stress and anxiety when you find out that that straight line is gonna become very curved. But that’s okay. In hindsight, those curves are really what got me to here. Had this been more of a straight line for me, we probably wouldn’t be talking, I probably wouldn’t be in this town. I’m glad for the curves.
Jan Bowen: Yeah, and from your perspective as both someone who experienced it and as a professional, as a therapist, you have both sides of it, so you really speak from a powerful position which I think has tremendous impact and value in sharing as well. There’s so many things I’m now trying to remember. From the outside, as you were talking, I was thinking, “To some people, it might not look that different. You were speaking before, you were at the top of your career before when you were in Baltimore.” So if somebody missed all those middle years and saw you online, and saw you had maybe a different name to a website instead of working for a firm, or “Oh, Chris started a podcast,” they might think nothing was really different, you’ve just grown.
Jan Bowen: All those middle pieces are really instructional, yeah. It’s interesting that so much happens from within.
Chris Shea: Exactly. Yeah, form the exterior, if I listed what my day is like, it’s going to seem to somebody, “Well you’re overwhelming yourself and isn’t that what you were doing?” But yet, it is what works on the inside. It is that intentionality, and to me, the part of that mindfulness. Before, it was just do, do, do, regardless of what the impact is for me. Now it’s, “Yes, I’m gonna be doing a lot, but I’m still trying to be aware of what is the impact to me and family when I’m doing all of this.” It’s not the haphazard, “Let me just do everything.” I would say right now in this field, I’m just one of the fish. I’m not a topnotch person in the field. There are bigger names you would think of if you think mindfulness than my name, so that keeps me humble.
Jan Bowen: Did moving from a city like Baltimore to a small town affect your lifestyle and your path at all?
Chris Shea: It helped to slow me down. The pace is very different. The pace is much calmer. I think overall that helped in that, but it wasn’t a huge shift. Most of my college life was living in rural towns, so it wasn’t a complete unknown for me. But yes, I think overall it did have a part to play in where I am now.
Jan Bowen: The rituals, I’m not sure if you’ve called them rituals, but the routines that you follow of mindfulness and meditation and such are also what you talk about on your podcast, “On Finding Peace”. Was that the intention behind the podcast?
Chris Shea: Yes. The podcast has morphed over time as well. Originally, the podcast was to broaden the audience, my reach. What I was doing in the early days of the podcast, which still exists if people listen to them, they really consisted of taking my blog posts and putting them to audio, is really the simplest way to put it. I figured this way if you don’t have to read it, well maybe you have time to listen to it. But as I thought about it, to me I thought what would be more important, because it was important to my life story, what have other people done in their lives that we can learn from?
Chris Shea: What I focused the podcast mostly on is interviewing people who have found ways of either getting toward peace or obtaining peace, and I ask them to share with us what are some very practical ways that we can do that. It’s not a theoretical type podcast, but very practically, you went from this to this, so if I’m listening to a podcast, what can I do to go from that to that? I figure that’s how I learned, maybe others can learn as well.
Jan Bowen: I’m curious what you were like as a little boy.
Chris Shea: Oh, wonderful days that they were. I think I’m at that age now where I can look back and say, “Those were the simpler times.” But actually, it probably would be quite surprising because growing up, I was the shy kid. I was the one who stayed in the corner. I had a small group of friends, a tight group of friends, but small. Really when it comes to being outgoing, when it comes to doing a lot after school or things like that, that wasn’t me. I would go home, do my homework, grab some of my friends, and off we would go. But I was extremely shy. If you were to tell my younger self that one day you’re going to be speaking on national stages and doing podcasts and things like this, yeah that would’ve been foreign to me. That would’ve been, “There is no way that’s gonna happen, I’m not speaking in front of people.” Yes, younger me was very different from me.
Jan Bowen: What was the changing point, the turning point?
Chris Shea: Self-confidence, that was the change for me. The shyness had a lot to do with self-esteem. As I aged through my 20s and started actually being in a career, then a lot of that changed and I slowly … and I emphasize slowly … began to have more of self-confidence not only in me as a person but the self-confidence in me as a professional. When that shifted, I became more outgoing. This was probably always in me, I just wasn’t aware it was in me.
Jan Bowen: Yeah. It’s interesting, from what you’re saying, I’m observing the external, the job in your 20s was bringing out the internal. As you were describing your coming to peacefulness in later life, you once again went internally to find that peace. It juxtaposed, but nonetheless, I find the contrast interesting between the exterior and the interior. Yeah.
Chris Shea: I appreciate that reflection. I hadn’t really looked at it in those terms before, but yeah it really makes a lot of sense as I move into another phase in my life, age wise. It’s very interesting. Appreciate that.
Jan Bowen: How do you define mindfulness? I’m going into these specific questions, but let’s back up a minute. How do you define it?
Chris Shea: There are a lot of definitions out there. Really for me, mindfulness is living in the present moment, non judgmentally. Jon Kabat-Zinn, he emphasizes the non judgmentally. That’s where I’m pulling that piece from. But it is all about living in the moment. What I mean with the non judgmentally is just to accept what your reality is. Now, that doesn’t mean I can’t work on changing my reality if that’s something that I feel is necessary. But before I can look at a possible change in my reality, I just need to come to terms with and accept what that reality is. Instead of trying to lie to ourselves, trick ourselves, fool ourselves as to what we would like our reality to be and then live accordingly, that’s gonna bring on a lot of stress and anxiety.
Chris Shea: If we can sit back and just accept where we are, the good, the bad and the otherwise, then look at, “What do I need to do differently to improve my life.” We need to start on that basis of reality. Let’s just start with reality, even if you don’t like that reality or like to admit that reality. No, it is what it is, accept it, now what?
Jan Bowen: Thank you for the definition. That’s really helpful and important. The curved parts of your path, you mentioned one was not going through with the priesthood. Do you feel like all the curves contributed in some way and informed where you are now?
Chris Shea: When I look in hindsight, I wouldn’t be who I am today without those experiences. For me, it’s very important, and I try to help my clients with this as well, but very important to understand that we are who we are because of our past. Again, good, bad or otherwise. You could talk about a very bad childhood, or a bad past or whatever. Again, that’s the acceptance piece. That is what it is, but that’s also what has made you. If at this point in your life, you have a great deal of resilience … then yes I feel sympathy for you that you had to go through what you did, but you have built a resilience which is wonderful to have at this point. Particularly my time in the seminary really gave me a lot of the tools to be able to be where I am today. I think minus that, I probably wouldn’t have found the mindfulness piece. I wouldn’t have found that spiritual peace. I think I would’ve been strictly academic psychology with it, versus what I see as more human if that kinda makes sense.
Jan Bowen: I understand what you’re saying in that sense. Something is occurring to me. It’s not an exact analogy, but I can’t help but put these two thoughts together. The writer and thinker, Jack Kornfield, who writes a lot on Buddhism, I heard him speak once about some concept in Buddhism, and he was saying, “People always expect me to be really calm, and really laid back and really peaceful.” He said, “If you didn’t know who I was and you saw me on the street, you would think I was the most hyper guy. I’m a really high energy person.” I really enjoyed that because what I observe in general about some of these concepts like mindfulness, and meditation and such is I believe there is a bias in terms of the vision, that they’re all peaceful and calm. And yet to me, there’s a joy and there’s a lightness to them. There’s an energy around them, a silliness at times even.
Chris Shea: I completely agree because as I mentioned earlier, I’m all about trying to stay within reality, and I don’t care how much you’re going to practice Buddhism, Zen, any type of Christian meditations, I don’t care what it is that you do. Unless you have removed yourself and have become a monk, other than that, you’re living in this world, and this world is not going to stop because you are meditating or because you know some of these concepts. If you try to be in this world but live like that monk, people are gonna look at you as crazy, and you’re probably not gonna get anybody. Most of us recognize a monk, but not a monk in society. All that needs to be tempered with, be real and be true to who you are. All of these principles, whether it’s eastern or western, it makes no difference, they’re leading us down a path of finding peace. But as far as I define that peacefulness, we can be feeling many different emotions while still having that in our peace.
Chris Shea: Yes, I can act silly at times, and I can show my happiness and all of that with this sense of an inner peace, yet at the same time, I can go through periods of mild depressions, of stress, of anger. But that doesn’t take away an inner peace. That just means I’m human, and I’m reacting and responding to what’s going on in my life. I think the difference is how you do that. Am I intentionally responding? Am I aware of my response? Do I need to make changes? I think that peacefulness is that peace that allows me to reflect on what I’m feeling. I’m not just going off in anger, or off in depressions. I can consciously go into those feelings, act that way, and then begin to say to myself, “Is this healthy right now? Is this appropriate right now?” And then make changes if necessary. There is that intentionality, I think. Yes, I love that approach. I just think we need to be real. People will respond when they see you’re real.
Chris Shea: ‘Cause, if you go up on stage or go on a podcast like this, and you talk about these high ideals or seem to be having those high ideals, many people are gonna say, “I can’t do that.”
Chris Shea: But when they see that you’re real, I don’t think that takes away your ability to say, “Hey, I’m an expert in this,” or “I’ve got information to share.” I think actually people can come to you because, “Wait a minute, you’re real. You talked about all this, but I heard you get a little stressed over there,” or “Wasn’t that comment a little off in what you talk about?” And then you can say, “Well yeah, I’m human. Yeah. It is.”
Jan Bowen: Yeah.
Chris Shea: “But now, here’s what I’m gonna do about it.”
Jan Bowen: What do you do for fun?
Chris Shea: I love being out in the water, love being out in nature, love to read. Meteorology is a hobby of mine.
Chris Shea: Yeah, so there are outlets, and I encourage people to have outlets. But yeah for me, those are the things I’ve picked up over time, and that’s how I get out and have fun. There are some days or some evenings that I’ll say, “You know what? Forget the computer, forget my business stuff. I’m taking a hike, I’m going out on the water, I’m gonna read a nonsense book,” whatever it is. But I think that’s important to have those outlets so that there’s some diversity in your life, and you can relax.
Jan Bowen: In your words, what would you name as your top three values?
Chris Shea: The top three right off the top of my head would look at as being the most important would be honesty, and trust, and family. Those are all up there. Maybe not in that order, but those are the top three. But also looking at that, I would say … I don’t know if it’s necessarily a value, but it’s, “Can you be true to self?” And whatever that means for self. Again, you may not like who you are, or maybe you aren’t the best person at the moment, but can you at least be true to who you are, and be able to go from there? That’s something that I would value in another person, really respect in another person.
Jan Bowen: That’s wonderful. Is there anything that you’d like to say that I haven’t asked you?
Chris Shea: Know that it really is possible to find inner peace. Whether you believe that or not, it is possible. I’ve seen that in a lot of people, but I’ve seen it in myself, so I’m speaking from the experience. This isn’t just, “Hey, the theory says …” But no, I did it. People can do it. Just go with it, begin to believe in it, and yes, it’s possible.
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How To Change My Perspective And Be Happy
Over the years I’ve come to the realization that my perspective is a point of life we don’t think of. Yet, perspective influences and dictates how I feel and act.
It’s all about my perspective! I feel that we are challenged to understand that the way we view or perceive the world around us is directly related to how we see ourselves. If I have low self-esteem or do not consider myself in a positive way, how can I view my relationships, work, and my community in any way but negative? Sure, I can fake it, and many people will believe the lie I tell them (and the lie I tell myself), but we know the truth.
During my undergraduate studies, I had a professor who was very knowledgeable in his field yet was quite miserable in his life. If you met him while you both were getting the morning coffee and were to say to him “good morning!”, his response would always be “don’t tell me what kind of morning to have!”
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
In varying degrees, we’ve all felt similar to that professor. We can’t fathom a “good” morning or a beautiful day, or success. Why? Because we don’t feel it within us. We feel lost, unloved, anxious, that the world is against me. Those feelings are my perception, and that perception influences how we view our external world. My perception becomes, and indeed is, our reality.
Reality, philosophically and experientially, is not widely understood. I’ll stay away from a philosophical discussion of reality, except to reiterate that our experience of reality is based on our perceptions. None of us see or experience the world in precisely the same way as anyone else experiences it. Our existence, as it is experienced by each of us, at this moment, is based on how we feel about ourselves and what we have learned up to this moment.
All of our past experiences have taught us lessons. Every choice you made, with it’s resulting consequence, showed you to either make that choice again or to make a different decision in the future. Everything you was directly or indirectly told by family, friends, co-workers, colleagues, etc., have influenced you, coupled with your choices and experiences. Everything which has happened to you up until this moment has, in a significant way, affected who you are right now!
Therefore, in a real way, we are a product of our history. This is why I often say that the purpose of the past is to learn from it rather than dwell on it. Since we are products of our past decisions and actions, the theory is correct that if we don’t like who we are today, all we need to do is make different future choices and take different future actions. In other words, make a perspective shift.
Since we learned one way of being, we can learn another, different way of being. We aren’t stuck. We can change perspective.
Through our experiences, we not only learned ways to act, but we also learned ways to think. If the experience was not emotionally pleasant, or an experience we want to forget, we learned what is called “distorted” thoughts, or “irrational” thoughts.
The reason we call specific thoughts distorted or irrational is that these thoughts do not deal with reality, nor do they lead us to happiness or inner peace. When traumatic experiences happen to us, our emotional response is to protect oneself. How we protect oneself is by skewing, in our mind, the reality of the event so that it becomes a “reality” we can cope with. In other words, it becomes my perspective. This new reality is different from the reality we are experiencing so that we can better deal with life. The coping mechanism itself is not harmful as it allows us to cope during the emotional experience, but if we continue to view our world in this skewed way we no longer interact with the world as it is, but as we perceive it to be, in my perspective. Therefore, we call these thoughts distorted or irrational thinking.
Identifying and understanding the origin of your distorted thinking allows you to reframe and change your thoughts to those which are healthy and will lead you to happiness and inner peace. We need to change perspective. Our life’s challenge is to stay focused on the present moment, non-judgementally, feeling what it is we are meant to feel at this moment, then making decisions which will lead us to a healthy way of coping with life; a perspective shift.
How do I know that I am coping healthily? Your thoughts and your actions will lead to resolution of your issues, and you will begin to feel inner freedom and peace for which you have longed. Then you will know that you are healthily coping with life.
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How To Feel Inner Peace By Changing Perspective
Inner peace is possible if we change our perspective to control what we can control. Peace of mind is in our thoughts and feelings.
Who doesn’t like to feel in control of life? Experiencing peace of mind is part of our human condition; believing that we have control over our lives. In actuality, we have limited control over life. How many times have you had plans for your day, only to have them changed by situations which were out of your control? Have you ever been in an accident? Was that in your control? How about the future; are you in control over situations which have not as yet happened? The source of peace is found in our ability to change our perspective.
As you can see, there is much about our life we have no control over, therefore the reason we don’t feel inner peace. This battle between wanting and believing we are in control, versus not being in control, is the primary cause of our stress. When reality enters our imaginary belief, we feel stressed. For many of us, when the fact of our lack of control becomes too much for us to handle, we mentally skew that reality, creating an imaginary reality in which we believe. This imaginary reality is not reality at all; merely our imagination. But, if we are convinced of our false reality, we may feel less stress, but we won’t feel at peace. Why? Feeling inner peace is about acceptance; creating an alternate reality is not acceptable at all, thus the importance of inner peace.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
Don’t go beating yourself up about skewing reality. We all do it. We’ve learned this behavior since we were children, regardless of how you were raised. In the realm of cognitive behavioral therapy, this way of thinking is called irrational. Not that we are irrational, but the idea of thinking about our reality in a skewed manner is irrational. In this setting, irrational is defined as leading us away from happiness. If a thought is such that leads us from being happy, doesn’t it make sense that it would be “irrational”? Why would we think opinions which don’t make us happy? Yet, we do it much of the time.
The ABC’s of irrational thoughts guide us in thinking rationally, that is, considering ideas which lead us to happiness and inner peace. The ABC’s reframe our perspective on life so that we think differently and therefore feel and act differently. In this construct, the “A” stands for the “activating event,” or, the event which has or is happening. The “B” is my belief about the event. The belief is my value judgment as to the goodness or badness of the event. The “C” is the consequence I am left with based on my value judgment. The “D” is my dispute with my irrational thought as a result of an adverse consequence. If I have a positive result, there is no reason for a dispute. Let me give you an example.
Let’s say a weather event happens, and it destroys your house. The “A” is the weather event. The “B” is your belief about the event, namely the destroyed house as a result of nature. The “C” is the consequence of how you are feeling as a result of your belief. If you believe that the house is but materials which can be replaced while the safety of your family matters most to you, then your consequence will be fairly positive so long as your family is truly safe. But, if you are upset and angry over losing your house to nature, and questioning why bad things always happen to you, then your “C” will be negative as those emotions are leading you away from your happiness.
In the example above, our stress increases while our inner peace decreases if, in our dispute (“D”), we try to change “A,” the event. In most situations, we have no control over the events of our lives. So when we dispute the events, we increase our stress as we realize our lack of control. But, what we do have control over are our thoughts and actions, the “B.” The key to coping with perceived negative situations is not to change the situation, but rather to change our belief about the situation. Instead of feeling that the world is out to get you and that is why nature destroyed your house, changing your belief to understanding the randomness of nature, and redirecting your frustrations to positive action for others, will change your consequence, the “C.” Your stress will decrease as you are changing what you have control to change!
So, the key to stress reduction and the source of peace is in focusing our thoughts and actions on that which we can control, our thoughts and feelings, not on what we can’t control, namely situations and other people.
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