Archive for July 2016
Kids Teach Us How to Find Peace
Have you ever thought to yourself: “I’m on a round object which is spinning and flying through space.” A few evenings ago as I was sitting outside reflecting on life, I noticed the movement of the stars and constellations over the hours I was outside. Then a thought hit me; we’re moving! I was sitting in the same spot in my yard, and I know that stars don’t move, yet they seemingly were moving. The constellations weren’t in the same spot they were when I first sat down as they were a few hours later. Of course I know, intellectually, that the stars aren’t moving, although I have never reflected on the implication that if the stars aren’t moving, yet they seem to be moving, then it must be me who is moving, even though I am sitting in the same spot! “I’m on a round object which is spinning and flying through space.”
According to my research, the earth is spinning, at the equator, at a speed of roughly 1,000mph! While at the same time that we are spinning, we are moving forward at an estimated speed of 67,000mph! At all times, no matter what we are doing (like reading this article), the ground below us is spinning and moving forward at a rapid speed. We are on a giant ball which is spinning and moving through space! When was the last time you thought about that?
As I was contemplating the fact that I am riding upon a giant moving ball, my mind wandered to the tea cups amusement ride. As a kid I used to love that ride! As the cups moved along the track you could independently spin your cup as fast as you wanted. Now, as an adult, spinning in that way is not so much fun for me. Not that the ride scares me, but in that my body no longer handles the fast spinning motion. As I’m contemplating the celestial bodies and the movement of the earth, I realized that like an amusement ride, our ride through life is quite similar.
A child at an amusement park tends to enjoy most of the rides, and the scarier the ride the better; the more the ride made your stomach turn the better; the faster the better. As we age, those experiences no longer excite us as we tend to avoid those areas in life which seem to be scary, stomach-turning, and too fast. Rather, as adults we tend to look for experiences which are predictable, safe, and slow (I’m not talking about pace, I’m talking about challenges). What happens to us as we age which causes this change in attitude?
Let’s take a moment to think about some of the endearing qualities we find in children. Generally, they tend to be:
- Curious
- Adventurous
- Risk-takers
- Live in the moment
- Play
- Nap
- Creative
- Ask questions when they don’t know
Now, take a moment to recall that you once had these qualities. Some of us in adulthood still have these qualities, but generally speaking, we lost many of these qualities as we aged. As I reflect on myself, I realize that I lost these qualities as I came to understand that adult society, in general, frowned upon these child-like qualities. Like it or not, if I wanted to be accepted as an adult, I had to “act” like an adult. Or, at least, in the way society presented adulthood.
Children are usually happy and free because they don’t yet understand societal conventions, so they live their life in the present moment. I am not implying that we need to give up societal conventions and so do whatever we want as that could lead to chaos (or to a peaceful planet. Hmmm). What I am suggesting is that we remember what made us happy and peaceful as a child, and now as an adult find a way to bring back that feeling.
Let’s reflect on the list above from the eyes of an adult:
- Curious: Take the time to slow down to notice the world around you. Look at your world from a new perspective, similar to my reflection that we are living on a spinning moving ball. What does your curiosity say about you? What can you learn from your curiosity?
- Adventurous: When was the last time you took a risk? What stops you from taking a risk? I’m not advising you do anything dangerous, but try something outside of your comfort zone, or something completely different from what you typically would do. Afterward, reflect on what you learned from the experience.
- Risk-takers: Similar to my caveat above, I am not suggesting you try anything dangerous or damaging, but when was the last time you acted without thinking it through or planning the action? What about spontaneously taking a day trip or surprising someone with a visit.
- Live in the moment: Honestly, it is my experience with children wherein I learned about the peace you feel when living in the moment. I spent a several years as a chaplain at a children’s hospital, and regardless of the outcome from the child’s condition, they chose to live in the moment instead of dwelling on the future. Children who were dying, and knew what that meant, would say to me that dying will happen later and invite me to play with them. It was myself and the family of the child who dwelt on future thoughts of losing the child, all the while missing the opportunity in the present to enjoy time with the child.
- Play: What is the purpose of play time? To have fun, relax, be creative, learn skills, socialize, etc. Find opportunities which will result in those qualities being realized.
- Nap: Mexico, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Spain, Italy, Greece, the Philippines and Nigeria all take siestas, or naps in the afternoon. Maybe we need to find their wisdom and do like-wise. If you aren’t able to take a nap, can you find 10 minutes to close your eyes, or 10 minutes to walk around your office, building, etc. Just 10 minutes away from the stress and busyness of the day will refresh you mentally and emotionally.
- Creative: In his TED talk, Sir Ken Robinson shared a story about a young child who was coloring. The teacher asked the child what she was drawing, and the child replied “a picture of God.” The teacher said “but no one knows what God looks like.” The child replied “they will in a minute.”
- Ask questions when they don’t know: Many years ago, when starting my first teaching experience in a high school, I was given this advice: ‘if you don’t know the answer to one of their questions, make it up. They won’t know the difference and you won’t look stupid.’ Even as a novice teacher in my early twenties I understood how wrong that piece of advice was. How is it that when we reach adulthood we are expected to suddenly know the answer to all questions about everything? Yet, in the workplace, how often have many of us made up an answer so as not to look stupid among our colleagues? I have. But doing so tends to cause us stress, yet a child who asks when they don’t know doesn’t feel stress because they are being honest in their not knowing.
I challenge you to join me tonight watching the stars. As you do, reflect upon your ride of life and on the ride on our ball through space. Do we fear the ride or avoid it? Are we willing to raise up our hands and scream or grab the person next to us? Can we simply let ourselves enjoy the ride?
Ed note: This article was originally published by me at Your Tango. Reprinted with my permission.
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coping with anxiety; a personal story
Ed note: I am pleased to present this post from guest blogger Ms. Amanda LePore.
I have anxiety. It runs in my family, so I should have expected it (thanks a lot, genes!). Growing up, I felt that I wasn’t completely “normal.” (insert all the jokes about me being an “awkward weirdo” here) I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had a great childhood with a loving family, great friends, etc., but I noticed that I would act a bit differently than my friends. I was a “goody-two-shoes,” but to the point where I would cry and it would be a huge deal when someone was mad at me or I got in trouble. In hindsight, I had a lot of guilt over things that now I realize weren’t that big of a deal. One memory is from 2nd grade when I told my friend that a lunch lady was fat and having that friend go and tattle on me… then I needing help getting my shoes tied and the only person available was the one I had insulted. I felt like such an awful person (this was one of the things I confessed at my first Holy Communion… Yeah, like I said, didn’t get in trouble often).
I was also a bit of a perfectionist, especially when it came to school. I would cry when I came home with a bad grade. I was a pretty sensitive child, I guess. But the thing is… I wasn’t forced to be a certain way. My parents expected me to try my best and work hard, but I wasn’t punished when I got a low score on a test or assignment. I was just encouraged to improve however possible.
Once adulthood hit, the feelings started getting harder to handle. I was quick to have a temper, I had little to no patience, I was pretty emotional and on top of all that, I was starting to have physical panic attacks; shakiness, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, etc. It was then I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I tried various medications, which either made me feel numb to the world or just did nothing for me. I went to therapy for a few sessions, which I feel did not personally help because I already would blab about my problems to anyone that would listen. But the anxiety was starting to affect the relationships in my life, so I had to figure out something.
Early in 2014 I was going on my first trip abroad (first time on a plane, too) to London on a college trip for 10 days. I loved this trip but there was one major thing about the trip I would’ve changed; that I wasted hundreds of dollars because I had a massive panic attack before seeing a show on West End with my friends. What was the reason for my panic attack? To this day I don’t know exactly what set it off. The caffeine from my Starbucks drink? The temperature of the theatre making me feel sick? The feeling of suffering alone while my friends were all in the show? I’m not sure. All I know is that I had to go to the first aid station and explain to the guy working there that I was losing feeling in my pinkies and I thought I was going to pass out and vomit at the same time. He explained that there were no diseases or conditions that would be causing that and that it must be an anxiety attack. I had never had one before in my life! I was brought to a VIP section where I had my own private bathroom and couch set-up, but I wasn’t able to watch the show. It was embarrassing and upsetting. I felt so terrible, both physically and mentally.
That was one of the moments that forced me to get my anxiety under control. I chose to make lifestyle changes. I started running and trying to eat better, yet I still had almost daily nausea and just a terrible feeling all the time. I got a blood test that came back completely normal. I knew there was nothing else wrong; it was truly my anxiety wreaking all this havoc on my body and mind. I decided to try a different kind of medication, Prozac. I am now on the lowest dosage and I honestly feel that it’s working well. I rarely feel sick and I’m learning how to cope and handle my anxiety in a healthy way. Honestly, I’m sad I didn’t find this medication sooner and I am pretty grateful for having it now.
I do not have shame for having anxiety. Everyone has something they have to work through with themselves. Just because it may be “in your head” doesn’t mean it’s not real. This is my personal story with anxiety. Everyone is different. Do not give up! Sometimes the needed change requires a mix of lifestyle changes, medication and/or therapy.
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The author of this post is Ms. Amanda LePore, the “voice” of Lifesjourney Life Coaching and On Finding Peace podcast. She is a 23-year-old actress, model, voiceover artist and radio host. She was born and raised on Long Island, NY, relocating to the Southern Maryland area in 2006. She holds a bachelor’s degree in theatre with minors in film, media studies, dance, and English. Check out her blog page at astheamandaturns.wordpress.com and website at www.msamandalepore.com. Her business email is msamandalepore@gmail.com.
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5 tips for knowing when to unfollow someone
The intensely heated political season in the US is leading people to unfollow others from their social media sites. It’s not just strangers they are unfollowing, either. I know of friends of mine who are unfollowing long-term friends, and, in one case, unfollowed a family member due to the political postings and comments they make on social media. Social media allows for a sense of anonymity, or, at least, a physical distance from the person with whom you are communicating, allowing people to feel more open and safe to engage in interactions which eventually lead others to unfollow them.
But what about in “real” life, as opposed to social media? There are people with whom we interact, whether it be at work, school, social circles, or even family members, whom we need to “unfollow” for our own mental well being. In a Forbes article (10 Toxic People You Should Avoid At All Costs) author Travis Bradberry writes: “Recent research from Friedrich Schiller University in Germany shows just how serious toxic people are. They found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions—the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with toxic people—caused subjects’ brains to have a massive stress response.” A toxic person is that person in our life who seems to suck the life out of us. Through their behaviors they create or live in constant drama, are needy, don’t respect boundaries, are critical of others, manipulative and judgemental. It’s important to note that I am not saying that the person themself is toxic, but that their behaviors are toxic. This is an important distinction as I am not labelling a person.
In my clinical practice I find that toxic people tend to suffer from at least one personality disorder. A personality disorder is defined as “long-term patterns of thoughts and behaviors that are unhealthy and inflexible. The behaviors cause serious problems with relationships and work.” Personality disorders begin in childhood continuing into adulthood. They are treatable with psychological intervention and behavior change work, as long as the person is willing to do the work needed to change their thoughts and behaviors to those which are healthy.
Albeit unfortunate that a person may suffer from a personality disorder which manifests as toxic behaviors, as the research indicates, we need to either learn how to protect ourselves or to know when to unfollow them in life. Here are my tips for knowing when it’s time to walk away from a toxic person:
- Set limits. Maintain a healthy boundary by limiting your time with a toxic person as well as limiting your energy. You may choose to listen to what they are saying, but you don’t have to engage in their rant. Limit the amount of interaction you have with them, telling them what you are doing and what the limits are. If they can’t or won’t respect you, you need to unfollow them.
- Be aware of your own emotions. Other’s emotions can be contagious, so be aware of your emotions when interacting with toxic people. If they are in a negative rant, check to ensure you too aren’t getting into those negative emotions. If you are, you need to politely leave the situation to refresh yourself. If the toxic person follows you or continues the rant after you’ve asked them to stop, you may need to unfollow them for your own emotional health.
- Be solution-focused. We all have choices, and we can either go through life being problem-focused, only looking at the problem and becoming discouraged, or we can be solution-focused; proactive and focused on action. If a toxic person brings you down, act, either by leaving the situation, or focusing on the positive qualities of the toxic person. We all have positive qualities if we look deep enough. Focus on their positives, and if possible, use their positives skills to your advantage or to the advantage of the job. If this is not possible, you may need to unfollow the toxic person.
- Be aware of your stress level. If you find yourself being stressed prior to encountering a toxic person, have self-understanding to avoid that person at this time. When we are stressed or anxious our defenses are down, therefore our ability to cope in a healthy way with a toxic person is diminished.
- Don’t go it alone. I’m sure there are others who also are affected by the toxic person. Enlist their help, not in a negative way focused against the toxic person, but rather in a positive way to keep a check on yourself. You may be too close to the situation to always realize when you need to get away from the person. Utilize healthy people in your life to help you stay on top of your emotional health.
Coping with toxic people is not easy, but if we understand that they are most likely emotionally suffering, and that their outward toxic behavior is a result of that suffering, then possibly we can learn to approach them with a bit of compassion. Your compassion, though, should not stand in the way of your emotional health. In life, as in social media, sometimes we need to unfollow people.
References:
University of Colorado Denver. (2014, April 22). Impact of Facebook unfriending analyzed by researchers. ScienceDaily. Retrieved July 14, 2016 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/04/140422130936.htm
Bradberry, T. (2015, November 10). 10 Toxic People You Should Avoid At All Costs. Retrieved July 14, 2016, from http://www.forbes.com/sites/travisbradberry/2015/11/10/10-toxic-people-you-should-avoid-at-all-costs/
Personality Disorders. (n.d.). Retrieved July 14, 2016, from https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/personalitydisorders.html
{This article was originally published at Your Tango by this author. Reprinted with permission.}
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Rest Stop (Fri) … freedom & hope is possible: here’s how
I’m writing this article while sitting at home on the 4th of July. Unfortunately, this summer holiday is being rained out in my part of the world. The cool temps, clouds, and rain make today feel more like autumn than mid-summer. So, while sitting here, I am thinking about freedom and how freedom applies to my life and not just a country. Do I have freedom? Am I truly free? Yes, we all have the potential to be free! Let’s find out how.
Have you ever thought of how minuscule our place is in the universe? I do. Try it now for a moment. In reference to the vastness of the millions of galaxies, and the large size of our planet, focusing now on my exact location, where do I really fit in? Am I just a cog in the gears of the universe, or do I have freedom?
A few weeks ago I attended a symposium focused on the current heroin epidemic in the US. The conference room was filled with professionals from multiple agencies, each focused on finding solutions to stop people from dying from opioids. As an addiction counselor myself I have worked with many people in their attempt to find freedom from their addictions. A person’s circumstances, life choices, views on life, and ability to obtain drugs all play a role in a person’s addiction. No one whom I’ve ever met aspires to becoming an addict, yet there are too many people who have lost their freedom to a drug. The ability for a person to move beyond one’s addiction into the freedom of recovery is, in my opinion, based on one important understanding; my ability to choose my attitude about myself and my life. Freedom is lost when we lose our perspective on life and allow others’ perspectives about us to take root and grow in our thoughts.
Not long ago, while I was out on a walk along the side of a road, I noticed a caterpillar also out on a walk along the same road. While watching the caterpillar I couldn’t help to think that his perspective on the world and where he fits in this vast universe is so much different from mine. Even though we both were only a mile or so from my house, would the caterpillar ever know that the world extends that far? I’m certain that he is oblivious to the actual size of our planet as his perspective, like our own, limits his world. There was a time when we humans didn’t even realize the vast size of our planet. How alike are we to the caterpillar?
As I further reflect on my caterpillar friend, I would like to think that his life’s perspective is simpler than mine. More than likely he stays focused on the present moment, hopeful and trusting that his instincts will properly guide him to safety and food. His sense of the present, without fear for the future, enables him to be free. When was the last time I was able to consciously focus on the present moment long enough to trust my instincts to guide me? There’s a lot I (we) can learn from this caterpillar.
Fr. Anthony de Mello, SJ, tells a story which I feel is appropriate to my reflections on the caterpillar:
“What would I do then?”
“Then you could really enjoy life.”
“What do you think I am doing right now?’”
Freedom comes from our perspective on life. As with the person struggling from addiction, when I allow my worldview to be dictated by another, I am no longer free. But like this story of the fisherman, and my caterpillar friend, focused perspective on the present moment combined with an understanding of where I fit in the scope of the universe, allows me to live in freedom; a freedom which comes from within, not a freedom dependant from society, culture, or other people.
One of my favorite H. G. Wells’ book is entitled “When the Sleeper Wakes” written in 1898. The premise of Wells’ story is a variation on the Rip Van-Winkle tale of a person falling asleep for a long time, eventually awakening to a world very different from the one he left when he fell asleep. In Wells’ telling, this futuristic world, on the outside, appears to be a utopia. Yet, as the main character learns more about how this new world is organized he realizes that the working class, through their mundane and tedious work, sustains the “utopian” society. In this world there is no chance or even availability for upward advancement.
I believe that true inner freedom fosters a sense of hope and imagination. Who among us does not have dreams for their life’s journey? Wells, in this story, portrays a world devoid of personal hopes or dreams. By removing a person’s ability to advance, what is the point of either hopes or dreams? Dreams give us hope since we know that dreams have, and do, come true. My faith and life experiences allow me to hope and dream as my ability to hope comes from an inner freedom born of a perspective focused on the moment infused with the understanding of my purpose in the universe. I don’t hope and dream because it’s something I’m supposed to do; rather, I hope and dream because I can. Freedom is in knowing and accepting where I am in the grand scheme of things; choosing my attitude about it, at any given moment, is my freedom.
As I continued my walk, leaving my caterpillar friend to his journey, I wondered how I could find my inner freedom. Here are my thoughts:
- How can I change my perspective to realize that even though there is always more to the world out there of which I am not yet aware, the world I do know is filled with potential, adventures and new friends, if only I take the time to notice them.
- What can I do different so that I can experience a life full of hope and dreams toward which I can strive?
- What am I allowing to stand in the road blocking me from inner peace?
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Rest Stop (Independence Day) … Freedom
Today the United States celebrates its Independence day, a day we recall freedom from oppression. On this day we also remember all those who struggled, and those who have died, allowing us to live in freedom.
As I reflect on today, my thoughts wander to the meaning of freedom. When I think of freedom as the opposite of oppression, I not only think of physical oppression, but also of emotional and cognitive oppression. How often do we self-impose oppression through our thoughts and feelings?
On this day of independence, let’s reflect on the following quote from Viktor Frankl. In his statement he reminds us of the meaning of true freedom.
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