Posts Tagged ‘mindful living’
PATH Finding Your Inner Peace And Happiness infographic
Do you want a way to find happiness and inner peace in life? Follow my PATH.
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An Expert Life Coach Shares Successful Ways to Change Perspective
Many of us are negatively bothered by the small annoyances in life. Expert life coach Chris Shea shares his successful way to change perspective and live happier.
It’s usually not the big things that affect us as much as the accumulation of these daily small annoyances. We find ourselves lashing out in anger or snapping at others for what they may feel is a small matter, but you are really lashing out not over that issue specifically, rather you are reacting to an accumulation of small issues.
When my clients complain about issues in their life, regardless of my opinion, I try to refrain from labeling it “the small stuff”. If something is bothering someone I don’t want to say “small stuff” as that negates what they’re feeling. Although, I hope to get them to a point when someday in the future they can recognize the current issue was something small and can be now laughed at.
To get to that point of laughing at ourselves over the small stuff one of the questions that I’ll ask my clients is, “in the scope of everything going on in your life and in the world right now, where does this fit?” The question is an attempt to change perspective and put into focus that which is truly important in life.
When we get mentally stuck focused on what is truly a small matter, we need to divert our attention to refocus on something else. Eventually, you’ll forget what you were previously focused on. This helps to reframe our perspective. It’s like a laser pen for cats, keeping their attention focused on a point, not on anything else. We, as humans, act and react the same way a cat does with the laser pointer.
I’ve spent over 20 years working with people suffering from addictions to later work on their recovery while learning how to cope with cravings for their drug of choice. One of the complaints I frequently hear from my former clients is about their sponsor/mentor in guiding them through a craving. They complain to me that when they would be having a craving they would call their sponsor and say “I’m having a craving” and the sponsor would reply “hey did you watch the game last night?”
Bonus: Download Chris Shea’s booklet on Life Coaching & is it for me? Click here to get it
The former client would be dismayed that their sponsor only wanted to talk about the game instead of the craving. They would wonder what’s wrong with their sponsor that they wouldn’t talk about the craving? They’ll suggest to me that they need a new sponsor who cares for them and not some game.
My question to this person in recovery, after listening to their story, is always “well did you use last night?” “No”, they would reply. To which I state “isn’t that the goal you were going for, not using?”
If I have a headache and I focus on my headache then my headache gets worse. If I do what I need to do to take care of that headache and then do something else, my headache seems to get better or even goes away. Changing our focus or perspective takes us away from unhealthy thoughts toward either healthy or neutral thoughts. I call it the shiny object effect. If your cat or dog (or even young child) is fixated on something you don’t want them to be fixated on, simply flash a shiny object and their fixation changes to the new object. You can do this literally or figuratively with yourself and other humans.
Changing perspective helps us understand that some of life’s issues are small and not worth our time, energy, or negativity. Distracting myself from the small issue is but one aspect of coping with the small stuff; understanding and coping with the idea that it’s a small issue is vital.
Prioritizing life’s issues allows us to choose what we will and will not give time or energy to. If the issue, in the scope of what’s happening in the world, won’t make a difference, then let it go. If the issue rises to the level of needing to be addressed, then do so in a healthy, conscious, and productive manner.
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How To Feel Inner Peace By Changing Perspective
Inner peace is possible if we change our perspective to control what we can control. Peace of mind is in our thoughts and feelings.
Who doesn’t like to feel in control of life? Experiencing peace of mind is part of our human condition; believing that we have control over our lives. In actuality, we have limited control over life. How many times have you had plans for your day, only to have them changed by situations which were out of your control? Have you ever been in an accident? Was that in your control? How about the future; are you in control over situations which have not as yet happened? The source of peace is found in our ability to change our perspective.
As you can see, there is much about our life we have no control over, therefore the reason we don’t feel inner peace. This battle between wanting and believing we are in control, versus not being in control, is the primary cause of our stress. When reality enters our imaginary belief, we feel stressed. For many of us, when the fact of our lack of control becomes too much for us to handle, we mentally skew that reality, creating an imaginary reality in which we believe. This imaginary reality is not reality at all; merely our imagination. But, if we are convinced of our false reality, we may feel less stress, but we won’t feel at peace. Why? Feeling inner peace is about acceptance; creating an alternate reality is not acceptable at all, thus the importance of inner peace.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
Don’t go beating yourself up about skewing reality. We all do it. We’ve learned this behavior since we were children, regardless of how you were raised. In the realm of cognitive behavioral therapy, this way of thinking is called irrational. Not that we are irrational, but the idea of thinking about our reality in a skewed manner is irrational. In this setting, irrational is defined as leading us away from happiness. If a thought is such that leads us from being happy, doesn’t it make sense that it would be “irrational”? Why would we think opinions which don’t make us happy? Yet, we do it much of the time.
The ABC’s of irrational thoughts guide us in thinking rationally, that is, considering ideas which lead us to happiness and inner peace. The ABC’s reframe our perspective on life so that we think differently and therefore feel and act differently. In this construct, the “A” stands for the “activating event,” or, the event which has or is happening. The “B” is my belief about the event. The belief is my value judgment as to the goodness or badness of the event. The “C” is the consequence I am left with based on my value judgment. The “D” is my dispute with my irrational thought as a result of an adverse consequence. If I have a positive result, there is no reason for a dispute. Let me give you an example.
Let’s say a weather event happens, and it destroys your house. The “A” is the weather event. The “B” is your belief about the event, namely the destroyed house as a result of nature. The “C” is the consequence of how you are feeling as a result of your belief. If you believe that the house is but materials which can be replaced while the safety of your family matters most to you, then your consequence will be fairly positive so long as your family is truly safe. But, if you are upset and angry over losing your house to nature, and questioning why bad things always happen to you, then your “C” will be negative as those emotions are leading you away from your happiness.
In the example above, our stress increases while our inner peace decreases if, in our dispute (“D”), we try to change “A,” the event. In most situations, we have no control over the events of our lives. So when we dispute the events, we increase our stress as we realize our lack of control. But, what we do have control over are our thoughts and actions, the “B.” The key to coping with perceived negative situations is not to change the situation, but rather to change our belief about the situation. Instead of feeling that the world is out to get you and that is why nature destroyed your house, changing your belief to understanding the randomness of nature, and redirecting your frustrations to positive action for others, will change your consequence, the “C.” Your stress will decrease as you are changing what you have control to change!
So, the key to stress reduction and the source of peace is in focusing our thoughts and actions on that which we can control, our thoughts and feelings, not on what we can’t control, namely situations and other people.
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How To Live An Awesome Stress And Anxiety Free Life Without Worry
Stress and anxiety are felt by us all. We can live a stress-free life and this article explains how.
“I am capable of thinking … yet I am not my thoughts; I am the thinker of my thoughts; therefore I can change what I feel and still be me”. -Terence Gorski
Each of us are responsible for our thoughts. Just as we create our thoughts, so also do we create our emotions and behaviors. Stress and anxiety are effected by our thoughts and behaviors. Our everyday stress can be eliminated once we believe that we can control our thoughts, therefore controlling our stress response.
When asking the question, “Who am I?”, we discover that a part of the answer lies within our thoughts, emotions, and actions. I often write and speak on this topic since the cause of anxiety and stress originates within ourselves, namely, within our thoughts.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
We tend to feel stress and anxiety over situations in which we believe we possess a lack of control. The opposite being true; if I believe that I have control over a situation my stress and anxiety will be lessened. In my work experience I have witnessed clients remain in an unhealthy situation, even when there are healthy alternatives, because their fear of the unknown stops them from making a change. The unknown can be a source of fear for in the unknown we have no control. A lack of control leads to increased anxiety, therefore, someone may remain in an unhealthy situation since they at least “know” that situation and so assume they have control over it.
We need to keep our thoughts focused on the present moment, for it is only in the present that we have the control to make changes. Focusing our thoughts on the past may cause anxiety and a stress response as we can’t control or change our past; we can only learn lessons from our past. Focusing our thoughts on the future may cause stress and anxiety as we can’t control what has not as yet happened. To maintain a stress free life we need to keep our thoughts focused on the present moment.
This is one of the reasons an examination of our thoughts, and the importance in believing that I have control over my thoughts, is vital to healthy living in a stress-free and lowered anxiety state.
As I see it, there is a difference between stress and anxiety. Stress can be eliminated from our life, while anxiety, to varying degrees, will always be with us. I teach that stress, being subjective to the perception of a person, is a person’s emotional (and at times physical) response to life situations. Hans Selye, a scientist, in 1936 defined stress as “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change”. Notice the word “change” in the definition. Change, an unknown factor and therefore something out of my control, causes a stress response. Stress, as I see it, is our subjective response to a perceived lack of control. Since it is our response, and we are in control of our responses (behaviors and actions), we can eliminate our stress by changing our response (belief and action) to the situation.
Anxiety, on the other hand, is a pervasive sense of worry or unease, typically about the future. Whereas stress is our response to current situations in life, anxiety is an unease within ourselves regarding future events and outcomes. Stress tends to come and go given our situations at the moment; anxiety persists, to varying degrees, within us. Since anxiety is a response to unknown future events, anxiety (assuming one is not diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder) leads us to take action. This action, in the form of preparing for the future, empowers us to tackle the unknown by taking control of things we actually have control over.
Anxiety is a component of our survival mechanism known as “fight or flight”. Anxiety is therefore a response in ourselves activated to help us survive by taking action! We will either physically or emotionally flee from, or stay to fight, whatever we perceive as a threat to our survival. This differs from stress which is our subjective response to a situation. Granted, mild stress may cause us to take action, but stress, as an emotion, is fickle as it comes and goes. Anxiety, mild most of the time, stays with us, vigilant in its mission of keeping us safe.
This is why, when I teach my clients about stress and anxiety, I teach them how to rid themselves of their stress, while reducing their anxiety. The goal for inner peace is not to eliminate our anxiety, the goal is in the actions we take to cope with our anxiety and everyday stress.
As I mentioned earlier, we can eliminate our stress by changing our response (belief and action) to the situation. How do we change our response? By changing our perception. The way we view the world is our perception, and our perception becomes our reality. This quote is quite powerful in its ability to succinctly explain the whole of what I’m trying to explain:
“We do not see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.” -Talmud
In other words, my perception of the world is directly related to my perception of self. Therefore, if I change my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, as well as my view of myself, I will change how I see the world! This is why it’s important to reflect on our thoughts, believe that we can control those thoughts, and focus on eliminating stress.
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Finding True Gratitude Through Mindfulness And Action
For as long as I can remember, November is a special month for me. Why? Well, autumn is in full swing and the holiday season is just around the corner! November is also a special month for me since it’s a time which inspires gratitude. During this month many of us take time from our busy lives to reflect on what, and whom, we are grateful.
The dictionary defines gratitude as “the quality of being thankful”. We recognize that in our lives there are things for which we are grateful, regardless of our life’s’ circumstance. If we look hard enough, we will find something, at least that’s what I’ve been told. A platitude to be sure, although in this platitude we find wisdom. Namely, if my perspective and goal is to find something for which to be thankful, I will find it. The opposite is true; the more I focus my perspective on the negatives in life the greater the belief that my life is completely negative.
Simply being thankful, or grateful, for the sake of being grateful, is not always altruistic. Can our sense of gratitude also be self-serving? Might it be a mask for our own narcissistic consumerism? Think of what you are grateful for, noting how many items are materialistic goods versus people or talents. A review of social media postings on gratitude overemphasize goods, money, prestige, etc. Isn’t it possible that our gratitude could reinforce our desire for what we think brings happiness? Have you noticed the irony, that the very next day (or even that same evening) after we celebrate being thankful, we celebrate shopping, materialism, greed, and rudeness! Gratitude alone, as the end goal, leads to self-centeredness.
Am I saying we shouldn’t be grateful? Not at all! Gratitude, when mixed with mindfulness and a healthy intention, leads us to a sense of inner peace. If my intention is to be grateful because it looks good, is what everyone else is doing on social media, it will show people all that I have, etc, then I become self-centered. Yet, if my intention is to be grateful for the sake of being thankful with a readiness to show appreciation, then I will find my inner peace and happiness. Why? Because being grateful is not the end goal, rather, gratitude is the beginning of the process of giving back.
The dictionary further defines gratitude as a “readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness”. The key of this definition is the phrase “…and to return kindness”. The intention and end goal is no longer self, but the action of giving back to others that which we have received. As we think of others and their needs our gratitude shifts from what we have to what we can give to others.
Mindfulness is commonly defined as “a means of paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” The practice of mindfulness coupled with an attitude of gratitude focus us on the present with an appreciation for what we have now, rather than wanting more and more. Maintaining a focus on an appreciation in the present moment protects us from the evils of greed which will turn us away from our inner peace. Gratitude for what we have at this moment, mixed with a desire to return kindness to others, is a healthy sense of gratitude creating in us a deeper sense of self and peace.
True gratitude practiced mindfully reveals a connectedness. Being thankful connects us to those who have given us the reason to be thankful while at the same time inspiring us to be gift-givers. In this sense our well-being and the well-being of others are connected. We begin to understand more fully how social connections impact us. Spreading gratitude to others creates gratitude in the other. The cycle is repeated when that person in turn spreads their newfound gratitude on to others. Gratitude, as with hate, spreads rapidly throughout societies. If we examine that first Thanksgiving in colonial America we discover that the gratitude and thankfulness celebrated was not in the food shared, but in the connectedness of the people present.
Therefore, our challenge is to mindfully reflect on what it is that makes us grateful. In so doing let us not fail to recognize the people outside of ourselves. Acknowledging gratitude for our material goods and the gifts that we have is not sufficient. We need to also acknowledge gratitude for the people whom we know, and those unknown to us, who enable us to have and to be who we are at this the present moment.
During this holiday season, as you gather with family and friends, acknowledge, in gratitude, those family members who have made it possible for you to be the person you are. For better or for worse we are the products of our history embedded within a society and a family who have made possible our lifestyle. By reflecting in this way we remain outside of ourselves while embracing our connectedness. When our thankfulness becomes compassion and compassion leads to action, then true gratitude is realized.
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5 Reasons Why Mindfulness Matters
If I were to ask you “what ultimately do you want from life?”, many of you would answer “to be happy”; “to have money”; “to have success”; etc. We seek answers from life, while our culture answers with “get more stuff and gain fame then you will feel happy”. Will this suffice as your answer to your life question? Is that really what you want, or is there something else, something deeper for which you long?
During my time as a counselor I have worked with clients from every socio-economic status. Regardless of money or available material resources, everyone was seeking a common answer, namely, how to get a deep feeling of peace. As a result of their life struggles they came to realize that material goods and wealth is fleeting and can be lost. Therefore, they could no longer find satisfaction in material goods.
What makes me different from other life coaches is that I’m not promising you your dreams. I work in leading you to find inner peace, resulting in a self love expressed in action. My goal is not to make you successful, rich, or famous. I don’t care if you succeed or fail in aspects of your life. My goal is for you to find inner peace despite what is happening in your life. The key is found in your priorities and your perception.
The way to find our peace is through the daily practice of mindfulness. Why does the practice of mindfulness matter? A bit over 5 years ago I made a significant job change which “forced” me, as a type A person, to slow down. At the time I wasn’t yet consciously aware that I was beginning to live mindfully. As I slowed myself internally and externally, I focused my thoughts and attention on the present moment. No longer was I dwelling on my past nor anxious about my future. This was quite the change for me as I used to be the king of anxiety and worry!
It was during this time I’m my life when I discovered Jon Kabat-Zinn’s definition of mindfulness: “a means of paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” Personally, the two key phrases in this definition which are important to me are “on purpose” and “nonjudgmentally”. To find inner-peace we need to consciously make the choice to spend time every day focusing our attention on what is happening around and within us. Our focus is not meant to judge what is happening, just to notice it, to experience it. As we become aware of our surroundings and inner self, we become aware of life’s joys, sorrows, difficulties, potential, and hope. In this state of focused awareness we are enabled to discover solutions. This is why mindfulness matters.
In the past five years or so there have been significant studies conducted by reputable organizations such as Harvard on the effectiveness of mindfulness. The results, without dispute, show that mindfulness and meditation not only make us feel better, but can physically heal the body and grow gray matter in the brain. Mindfulness is not simply a nice thing to do, science is proving that it actually heals the body and mind.
Mindfulness matters because it’s a means of finding inner peace. Instead of seeking just satisfaction in life, seek peace. Peace is not a fleeting emotion since it’s a state of mind and being. Being at peace does not come and go as the situations change. Peace is the constant through which we view and react to situations. For example, I can feel sad and remain in a state of peace, but I can’t feel both happy and sad at the same time. Therefore, striving for peace leads us deeper into ourselves.
The belief that we don’t have control over our lives leads us away from inner peace. The more that I feel out of control in my life the greater my anxiety. When you understand, and believe, that you do have control over your thoughts and feelings, then you admit that you do have some control over your life! Since you have control you are no longer helpless! We may not have control over our situations, but we do have control, always, in how we respond to our situations. How I perceive the situation and what action I take influences how deeply my inner peace is being rooted.
As I personally continue to learn about and experience mindfulness, I have come up with this list of my 5 reasons why mindfulness matters.
- Mindfulness keeps us focused in the present moment, the here and now. Why is this important? We have no control over the past or the present, so we feel anxious. But, we do have control over how we respond to the present moment. Keeping our thoughts on the present is empowering.
- Mindfulness changes my perception on learned helplessness. Many times, if we’ve suffered from trauma, we tell ourselves that we are now, and always will be, helpless to avoid negative impacts in our life. By working on number one above we can change our thoughts from those of helplessness to those of solutions. Remember, anything we’ve learned can be unlearned or learned differently.
- Mindfulness keeps us from getting discouraged. We become discouraged when our expectations aren’t met. Was the expectation reasonable? Did you have control over the outcome? Mindfulness, by focusing on the present, helps us keep our expectations reasonable, and as mentioned in number 2, guides us in understanding what is and is not in our control.
- Mindfulness changes our perspective. This is an essential reason why mindfulness matters! Perspective, the way we view and so respond to our world, is sometimes skewed because of past trauma, unpleasant situations, past hurts, etc. Using mindful meditation to focus ourselves on the present, and so on how we feel, will guide us to refocus our perspective, therefore responding in a more healthy way to our situation.
- Mindfulness calms our anxiety. I mention this one last on purpose. If you can accomplish 1-4 above, the natural result, or consequence, will be reduced anxiety. By focusing on the present moment, we understand what is and is not in our control, allowing us to no longer feel helpless and so change our perspective.
Mindfulness matters to each of us in our daily lives. I know from experience the change that mindfulness can have on a person, and I desire for you to have a similar (yet your own) experience with mindfulness. Start slow by meditating 10 minutes a day and consciously refocusing your thoughts on the present moment. Over time, increase your meditation duration and do more mindfulness exercises. You’ve got this!
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How To Cultivate Self Love
To cultivate self love is such an important aspect for our health yet many of us either don’t think of loving ourselves or feel that we are unworthy of self love. To love is not an easy task yet we find it much easier to love others then to love ourselves. Why is this? I believe it’s because we know ourselves too well that we find it difficult to cultivate self love.
The idea of loving humanity is easy to grasp since we don’t have a personal relationship with all of humanity. I can feel a sense of love for the poor or those affected by natural disasters, because I don’t know them and therefore don’t know their flaws. Once we know a person’s flaws we judge them to decide who is worthy of our love and who is not.
Since we are aware of our own flaws many of us have judged ourselves unworthy of our love. We may even feel uncomfortable when others express their love for us, but we can let that go since we understand that they do not know us as well as we know ourselves. We may even tell ourselves that if they did know us as we know ourselves they would never express a desire to love us.
Yet, if we are seeking to find our inner peace, or at least a sense of happiness in life, it is vital that we learn to love ourselves. Not only do we get in the way of ourselves, modern society does not mirror for us what a healthy self love is. Much of society relies on a notion of love based on what we have, or who we have, or on our wants and desires. A healthy self love is focused on growth, caring, and an enduring desire to be the best person that one can be.
When I speak of cultivating self-love I am not speaking of love as a theoretical concept, but an understanding of love as a true belief. In order to find happiness and inner peace we need to honestly believe that we are not only worthy of self love but that we actually do love ourselves. Self love is focused on who we truly are, accepting ourselves for all the good and all the areas in which we need to grow. Unconditional self love accepts our flaws, guiding us to constantly seek personal growth and Improvement. We do not see our flaws as a hindrance to our growth but as the impetus to strive to be the best person we can be.
To cultivate self-love is a process which takes time, but in the end the results are amazing! Here are 10 things I suggest to my clients that they do, on a daily basis, to help cultivate self love and grow into a true feeling of inner peace:
- Practice mindfulness. What I mean by mindfulness is that we focus our thoughts on the present moment allowing ourselves to fully experience what we see and feel in each moment of our life. Mindfulness is a way to slow ourselves so that we can appreciate the little things in life which can pass us by. It is through this process of slowing down that we can more fully understand who we are, our place in the world, and what we need to do to grow in a healthy emotional and mental state.
- As we reflect on ourselves we begin to differentiate between our wants and our needs. Too much focus on our wants prevents us from finding inner peace since we will never achieve or accumulate all of our continuous wants. Focusing on our needs, and finding creative ways to satisfy those needs, leads us to inner peace for we become fulfilled and empowered through our achievements.
- Forgiveness is an important aspect of love since we can’t love another and not ever have the need to forgive them. Just as we would forgive another for something they have done, we also need to forgive ourselves for all that we have done. Forgiveness, freely given, frees us to move on knowing that the wrong we have done no longer weighs us down. None of us are immune to doing things which will need to be forgiven, that’s part of being human. The issue is not in doing things which require forgiveness, the issue is in what we learn from what we have done. It is not productive to focus on our flaws but it is productive to compassionately forgive ourselves, learn from our wrongs, and so grow in wisdom.
- The main difference between a victim and a survivor is that the survivor has created options and is taking action. As we strive to cultivate self love we need to take action steps in making the changes in our lives which allow us to grow. As has been said, love is an action not a noun. Determine what actions you need to take, moving forward to making those actions a reality.
- One of the ways in which we can grow is in challenging ourselves to accomplish things which we never felt were achievable. I’m not suggesting that we all need to climb Mount Everest, but I am suggesting that all of us find those aspects of our lives which we feel challenged by and rise to that challenge. The wisdom and the knowledge gained as we reach new heights will empower us to feel worthy of loving ourselves.
- In helping others we help ourselves. There is a lot of truth in this statement for when we challenge ourselves to give of ourselves for another we gain a deeper sense of what love in action is all about. The help and love that we give to others is returned to us. This is not simply a cute statement but a reality which I have found lived in my own experience. If you want to love yourself you need to find the strength to love and help others to love themselves.
- Letting go of what we can’t control in life leads us to a deeper sense of peace and self-love. Changing those areas of our life in which we have control to change enables us to grow, while letting go of those things which we can’t control relieves our stress and anxiety as we no longer struggle with what we will never accomplish.
- Focus your action steps on reasonable expectations and outcomes. The feeling of stress and anxiety keeps us from feeling peace and self-love. Having unreasonable expectations which are never met not only increases our anxiety but can teach us that we are worthless as we can’t seem to accomplish or reach our expectations. Yet the reason we cannot achieve those expectations has nothing to do with self-worth but has everything to do with unreasonable expectations. Practice placing reasonable expectations and you will find the outcomes will follow.
- I am pleased to see many recent articles talking about the need and importance for simplifying one’s life. As we gather more material goods and keep ourselves busy to make it look good for others we find that we are more stressful and anxious than ever. It’s reasonable to think that the more we simplify our life, downsize, get rid of material possessions, and be active in those areas which are important to our growth, will reduce our anxiety and open us up to be receptive of the self-love and inner peace we desire.
- Be passionate about all you do and you will receive much joy and satisfaction from life. Whether it be your job, family, or hobbies being passionate about life will make you feel more worthy of the self love which you desire.
To cultivate self love is a process involving many aspects of our lives. We must truly believe that we are worthy of self love and take action in helping others. Mirror that love which we so desire in our own life. In the way that we love other people, are compassionate, and forgiving, so too we need to be all of those things for ourselves. Treat yourself as you treat others and you will find self love and inner peace.
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6 Tips For Practicing Mindfulness When Upset
In an instant life can become hectic and chaotic. Just when we think we have life all figured out, and our path forward appears to be straight; adversity happens! All the talk of mindfulness, living in the moment, and meditation seem to fall short in light of the adversity and chaotic realities of life.
Platitudes are not my message. My life has had its share of ups and downs so I will not trivialize the impact adversity plays on a person’s thoughts and feelings. My message relies on my own experience of mindfulness and it’s ability to lead us to finding and living with inner peace, regardless of what life may throw at us.
Mindfulness is a word I often use in my writings and in my life coaching sessions with my clients. One of the pioneers in the mindfulness movement, Jon Kabat-Zinn, defines mindfulness as: “a means of paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”
The two phrases in this definition which I focus on are “on purpose” and “nonjudgmentally”. To find and maintain inner peace we need to consciously make the choice to spend time every day focusing our attention on what is happening around and within us. Our focus is not meant to judge what is happening, but to notice it. As we become aware of our surroundings and our inner self, we become aware of life’s joys and potential, along with life’s sorrows and adversities. In this state of focused awareness, we are enabled to see solutions; to see hope.
Although it’s important to learn mindfulness before life throws its adversities upon you, mindfulness is not a practice which avoids or negates the negatives in life. We need mindfulness regardless of how we are feeling about ourselves and our situations. In fact, I would say that we need mindfulness even moreso during times of difficulties in our life.
Western society tends to devalue pain and suffering leaving us with the false sense that we can avoid all pain and suffering in life. Speaking from my own experience, and I’m sure you can relate, I have yet to find a way of living life which avoids all pain and suffering. Therefore, society provides us with a false hope, and increases our stress and anxiety when we fail to achieve a life without pain or suffering. The Buddha, in laying out the Four Noble Truths indicated that the principle cause of suffering is desire. In this case, the desire is to avoid all pain and suffering.
Mindfulness is a practice which teaches us how to live and cope with the joys, pains, and suffering we endure. We do not negate anything in life, rather we non-judgmentally accept what is happening and learn the best ways of coping.
Here are my six tips for practicing mindfulness when upset:
- Acknowledge that the emotion you are feeling exists. We do not want to ignore or deny any of our feelings and emotions. What we feel is what we feel. Spend time in quiet simply acknowledging what you are feeling and sit with that feeling. We do not judge the feeling as either good or bad, we simply acknowledge and name what we are feeling.
- The next step is similar to the first step of acknowledgement. In the second step we accept what we are feeling. We do not beat ourselves up that we are feeling this way, nor do we attempt to change how we are feeling. We accept that what we are feeling is our reality. A phrase which needs to be removed from our mind and speech is “ I shouldn’t feel this way.” This phrase creates anxiety since we are scolding ourselves for the reality in which we find ourselves. Who are we to say what we should or shouldn’t be feeling when the reality is we are feeling it! Right or wrong is not the issue, what is happening in the moment is what’s important. Accept how you feel in the moment and understand that this feeling is a part of you. For example, if you were feeling extremely joyful would you question that you shouldn’t be feeling that way? Of course not! So why do we judge any other feeling besides those which we say are positive?
- Once we acknowledge and accept the feelings as they are, we move to the next step of understanding that emotions are fleeting. Emotions come and go, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly, but feelings do not last forever. Therefore, experience your feelings in all of their intensity recognizing that you will never again feel this exact same way. Feelings, in their exactness, cannot be felt again. Sit long enough with your feelings and you may find that they pass during your sitting. When I worked with people struggling from cravings while trying to live in recovery from their addiction, I would ask them to sit and either look at a stopwatch as the time passed, reminding themselves that they are still in recovery, or I would refocus their attention to anything other than the craving. As a behaviorist I understand that most cravings, and even feelings, when not encouraged only last about 15 or 20 minutes.
- Investigate, within yourself, where these emotions and feelings originate. We don’t ask “why” we are feeling these emotions for the answer only leads down the path of judgement. Understanding where the feelings are coming from begins the process of learning what we are to do with the emotions. It’s not a matter of understanding why, but of understanding “what”. The answer to “what” enables us to learn and grow whereas the why simply gives us information which may or may not be helpful to our taking action. Mindfulness and meditation is not just an intellectual act, it’s a process which enables us to learn about ourselves and how we can act in a way that maintains our inner peace.
- As we examine our emotions avoid the urge to catastrophize the possible outcomes. Our mind is an imaginative storyteller, yet these stories tend to make the situations worse than reality. it’s important for us to keep focused on realistic outcomes for the future rather than imagining outcomes way worse than might be possible. A technique you can use is to ask yourself the question “what is the worst that can happen?” Then ask yourself the question “if the worst does happen what can I do about it?” Consider all the possible actions that you, and with the assistance from others, can do to cope with even the worst case scenario. Understanding that the worst case scenario is probably not going to happen, if you have a plan for the worst case then when reality happens and it’s not as bad as what you imagined you will find peace in knowing that you can cope with the situation.
- The last tip for practicing mindfulness when upset is to learn from the situation. After following steps 1 through 5 you now have the ability to step back from the situation and reflect on what you have learned from what has happened. Learn from the actions that you took which worked and learn from the actions which you took that didn’t work. Learning where our emotions originate and how best to cope with those emotions gives us the power to tackle the same situations in similar ways. Future adversity will no longer be a stressor for us since we have learned that we not only can survive the adversity but what we also can do to minimize future adversity.
Practicing mindfulness when upset empowers us to act and to cope with situations which we may feel we are unable to handle. Mindfulness does not take away negativity in our lives, rather mindfulness teaches us the power that we have within to handle and survive whatever life may throw at us.
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Rest Stop (Sunday) … an example of living mindfulness
I often talk about mindful living, yet I recognize the difficulty in fully understanding not only what it means, but also how it “looks”. When I first saw this video on social media I immediately said to myself “this is what mindfulness is all about!”
After watching this video reflect back on your experience, noticing your thoughts at time (past, present, or future), and recall your emotions while watching the video. Although not created for this purpose, this video draws us to focus on the present and stay there. Living in the present moment is the point of mindfulness and mindful meditation. [facebook url=”https://www.facebook.com/1731212513792521/videos/1741001856146920/” /]
Share with us your experience.
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