Posts by Chris Shea
How To Feel Inner Peace By Changing Perspective
Inner peace is possible if we change our perspective to control what we can control. Peace of mind is in our thoughts and feelings.
Who doesn’t like to feel in control of life? Experiencing peace of mind is part of our human condition; believing that we have control over our lives. In actuality, we have limited control over life. How many times have you had plans for your day, only to have them changed by situations which were out of your control? Have you ever been in an accident? Was that in your control? How about the future; are you in control over situations which have not as yet happened? The source of peace is found in our ability to change our perspective.
As you can see, there is much about our life we have no control over, therefore the reason we don’t feel inner peace. This battle between wanting and believing we are in control, versus not being in control, is the primary cause of our stress. When reality enters our imaginary belief, we feel stressed. For many of us, when the fact of our lack of control becomes too much for us to handle, we mentally skew that reality, creating an imaginary reality in which we believe. This imaginary reality is not reality at all; merely our imagination. But, if we are convinced of our false reality, we may feel less stress, but we won’t feel at peace. Why? Feeling inner peace is about acceptance; creating an alternate reality is not acceptable at all, thus the importance of inner peace.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
Don’t go beating yourself up about skewing reality. We all do it. We’ve learned this behavior since we were children, regardless of how you were raised. In the realm of cognitive behavioral therapy, this way of thinking is called irrational. Not that we are irrational, but the idea of thinking about our reality in a skewed manner is irrational. In this setting, irrational is defined as leading us away from happiness. If a thought is such that leads us from being happy, doesn’t it make sense that it would be “irrational”? Why would we think opinions which don’t make us happy? Yet, we do it much of the time.
The ABC’s of irrational thoughts guide us in thinking rationally, that is, considering ideas which lead us to happiness and inner peace. The ABC’s reframe our perspective on life so that we think differently and therefore feel and act differently. In this construct, the “A” stands for the “activating event,” or, the event which has or is happening. The “B” is my belief about the event. The belief is my value judgment as to the goodness or badness of the event. The “C” is the consequence I am left with based on my value judgment. The “D” is my dispute with my irrational thought as a result of an adverse consequence. If I have a positive result, there is no reason for a dispute. Let me give you an example.
Let’s say a weather event happens, and it destroys your house. The “A” is the weather event. The “B” is your belief about the event, namely the destroyed house as a result of nature. The “C” is the consequence of how you are feeling as a result of your belief. If you believe that the house is but materials which can be replaced while the safety of your family matters most to you, then your consequence will be fairly positive so long as your family is truly safe. But, if you are upset and angry over losing your house to nature, and questioning why bad things always happen to you, then your “C” will be negative as those emotions are leading you away from your happiness.
In the example above, our stress increases while our inner peace decreases if, in our dispute (“D”), we try to change “A,” the event. In most situations, we have no control over the events of our lives. So when we dispute the events, we increase our stress as we realize our lack of control. But, what we do have control over are our thoughts and actions, the “B.” The key to coping with perceived negative situations is not to change the situation, but rather to change our belief about the situation. Instead of feeling that the world is out to get you and that is why nature destroyed your house, changing your belief to understanding the randomness of nature, and redirecting your frustrations to positive action for others, will change your consequence, the “C.” Your stress will decrease as you are changing what you have control to change!
So, the key to stress reduction and the source of peace is in focusing our thoughts and actions on that which we can control, our thoughts and feelings, not on what we can’t control, namely situations and other people.
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How To Live An Awesome Stress And Anxiety Free Life Without Worry
Stress and anxiety are felt by us all. We can live a stress-free life and this article explains how.
“I am capable of thinking … yet I am not my thoughts; I am the thinker of my thoughts; therefore I can change what I feel and still be me”. -Terence Gorski
Each of us are responsible for our thoughts. Just as we create our thoughts, so also do we create our emotions and behaviors. Stress and anxiety are effected by our thoughts and behaviors. Our everyday stress can be eliminated once we believe that we can control our thoughts, therefore controlling our stress response.
When asking the question, “Who am I?”, we discover that a part of the answer lies within our thoughts, emotions, and actions. I often write and speak on this topic since the cause of anxiety and stress originates within ourselves, namely, within our thoughts.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
We tend to feel stress and anxiety over situations in which we believe we possess a lack of control. The opposite being true; if I believe that I have control over a situation my stress and anxiety will be lessened. In my work experience I have witnessed clients remain in an unhealthy situation, even when there are healthy alternatives, because their fear of the unknown stops them from making a change. The unknown can be a source of fear for in the unknown we have no control. A lack of control leads to increased anxiety, therefore, someone may remain in an unhealthy situation since they at least “know” that situation and so assume they have control over it.
We need to keep our thoughts focused on the present moment, for it is only in the present that we have the control to make changes. Focusing our thoughts on the past may cause anxiety and a stress response as we can’t control or change our past; we can only learn lessons from our past. Focusing our thoughts on the future may cause stress and anxiety as we can’t control what has not as yet happened. To maintain a stress free life we need to keep our thoughts focused on the present moment.
This is one of the reasons an examination of our thoughts, and the importance in believing that I have control over my thoughts, is vital to healthy living in a stress-free and lowered anxiety state.
As I see it, there is a difference between stress and anxiety. Stress can be eliminated from our life, while anxiety, to varying degrees, will always be with us. I teach that stress, being subjective to the perception of a person, is a person’s emotional (and at times physical) response to life situations. Hans Selye, a scientist, in 1936 defined stress as “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change”. Notice the word “change” in the definition. Change, an unknown factor and therefore something out of my control, causes a stress response. Stress, as I see it, is our subjective response to a perceived lack of control. Since it is our response, and we are in control of our responses (behaviors and actions), we can eliminate our stress by changing our response (belief and action) to the situation.
Anxiety, on the other hand, is a pervasive sense of worry or unease, typically about the future. Whereas stress is our response to current situations in life, anxiety is an unease within ourselves regarding future events and outcomes. Stress tends to come and go given our situations at the moment; anxiety persists, to varying degrees, within us. Since anxiety is a response to unknown future events, anxiety (assuming one is not diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder) leads us to take action. This action, in the form of preparing for the future, empowers us to tackle the unknown by taking control of things we actually have control over.
Anxiety is a component of our survival mechanism known as “fight or flight”. Anxiety is therefore a response in ourselves activated to help us survive by taking action! We will either physically or emotionally flee from, or stay to fight, whatever we perceive as a threat to our survival. This differs from stress which is our subjective response to a situation. Granted, mild stress may cause us to take action, but stress, as an emotion, is fickle as it comes and goes. Anxiety, mild most of the time, stays with us, vigilant in its mission of keeping us safe.
This is why, when I teach my clients about stress and anxiety, I teach them how to rid themselves of their stress, while reducing their anxiety. The goal for inner peace is not to eliminate our anxiety, the goal is in the actions we take to cope with our anxiety and everyday stress.
As I mentioned earlier, we can eliminate our stress by changing our response (belief and action) to the situation. How do we change our response? By changing our perception. The way we view the world is our perception, and our perception becomes our reality. This quote is quite powerful in its ability to succinctly explain the whole of what I’m trying to explain:
“We do not see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.” -Talmud
In other words, my perception of the world is directly related to my perception of self. Therefore, if I change my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, as well as my view of myself, I will change how I see the world! This is why it’s important to reflect on our thoughts, believe that we can control those thoughts, and focus on eliminating stress.
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Can I Control My Future Plans? Yes You Can
Can I control my future plans? Yes you can when you change perspective.
Have you ever felt anxious about future plans or situations? I have, and I’m fairly sure most of you have, too. The anxiety we feel is caused because of the unknown. Future plans are full of unknown variables, and each of those variables will increase my anxiety if I focus on them. Focusing my energy on something I don’t know or can’t control is anxiety producing.
The solution seems obvious; either try to control what is out of your control, or stop focusing on what you can’t control. As easy as the solution seems, the practice of the solution is not so easy. It’s possible to reduce our anxiety about future plans to lead a fulfilling life, but it takes persistence and a willingness to make some changes in your thoughts.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
The first change we need to make to have a better future is our perception. Why perception? Because our perception is our reality. For example, if I perceive my relationship as broken, regardless of the feelings of my partner, in my reality it’s broken. My thoughts and feelings will lead me to act as if the relationship is broken. Assuming the relationship is not broken, I need to change my perception of the relationship so as to change my thoughts and actions about the relationship. When I change my perception I change how I think and feel. My emotions and my actions are in my control. When I believe that I have control over myself, and I make changes which are healthy, then my anxiety drops as I am now in control of my life, not out of control.
In this new perspective on life I start to see the world with some of that original wonder in which I used to see the world. I see a world with beauty. The biggest change is that now I’m looking more at the positive aspects of the world rather than from a jaded perspective. Yes, it is as easy as flipping from looking at the negatives to looking at the positives. I will now live a more fulfilling life in a better future.
Recently I had a client who was feeling a bit down and depressed because he was focusing on all that he had given up when he chose to stop drinking alcohol. The persistent thoughts of what was now gone placed him in this slump. If he flips his perspective he will realize all that he has gained as a result of no longer drinking to the point of getting drunk, missing work, all of which caused tension in the family. What he has gained is a renewed sense of self, an empowerment, a better family life, and a greater feeling of peace. Yes, he gave up something (alcohol), but he has gained much more than he has lost. The perspective shift is in his “choosing not to do” something versus his “giving up” something. Some will argue that this is merely a play on word usage. Maybe, but words are powerful and meaningful. Changing the words we use when we talk about ourself makes a world of difference on our outlook and perception.
Some of us choose not to change our perspective as we feel the issue is not mine but someone else’s. Blaming others or outside forces for how I feel takes away my control, giving that control to the other person or outside force. It’s all about empowerment. If I’m going to sit back and complain that nothing in life changes, or “I never catch a break”, my response is “what are you doing about it?” That’s the empowerment. Today, many groups and individuals are seeking and advocating for empowerment and choice. That’s exactly what I’m talking about! If you sit back and wait for something to happen you’re not empowered or in control of your life. Wake up one morning and empower yourself by saying “I’m going to think different; I’m going to look at life different.” This is the beginning of action and action is our power. Take action by controlling your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Now you are empowered and in control of yourself and your future plans.
Once you choose to take control of your life and change your perspective, you’re set to take the next step in dealing with the anxiety of that future plan or situation. One method that I teach my clients is making a two column list. Label the left column “what I can’t control” and label the right column “what I can control”. Now, examine the situation.
On the left column list all of the components of the future plans that you have completely no control over. On the right column list those components that you do have control over. When you’re done with your lists, examine the list of the things that I can’t control and consciously forget about them. Since we can’t control them or their outcome, there is no reason or need to focus on them. Our continued focus on these components will only increase your anxiety as there is nothing you can do about them. So stop focusing on that list. Rather, let’s talk about our focus on the other list, the list of things we can control. This list will enable us to live the fulfilling life of peace we desire.
We can’t simply forget about the first list as that leaves a void, and a void needs to be filled. What we fill that void with is the control we have over the right side column list. Filling the void by taking action on what I have control over will decrease anxiety since we are doing something about the future plans. Taking positive action to make a difference in our future provides us the comfort and security of a sense of control.
So now we start planning out what I will do to make a difference in those areas in which I have control. By taking action I’m affecting the outcome of a situation that I first thought was out of my control. I need to actively take control over what I have the ability to control. As a result I am now feeling empowered when I see the changes that I’m making. When I see change it encourages me to make more change which reinforces that I have the ability to make changes in future plans and situations.
When I talk about finding inner peace I’m talking about being in sync with my thoughts and feelings based on my values and morals. When my mind and heart are in sync, then I’m at peace regardless of what happens around or to me. I could feel a gamut of emotions, but while I feel those emotions, as long as I’m in sync with myself, I’ll still feel at peace with a perspective of a better future.
When negative situations happen in life, determining what I can and can’t control empowers me to take action on those things under my control. As long as those actions are in sync with my thoughts, feelings, values, and morals, then I remain in peace regardless of life’s situations or future plans.
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Tips For Positive Living When I Feel Stuck In Life
Do you feel it? There is a change in the air. The sun is a bit brighter and warmer, the air is losing its crispness, and the flowers are beginning to bloom! Where I live I know that Spring is coming by the position of the sun at sunset while I hear the cries of the returning osprey to their nest. When I feel stuck in life I reflect on the example of Spring and the newness it brings.
Have you ever reflected on what the earliest humans felt and thought as they observed their environment? Did they feel they were living a rewarding life? I can only imagine the confusion and fear of that first autumn and winter as our ancestors wondered, probably in fear, why the trees were dying, why the crops stopped growing and the green plants turned brown. Where and why did the animals go, and why have the birds flown away? I would imagine their feelings turning to despair as time moved on and the weather worsened with cold, snow and darkness. I would imagine that our ancestors felt stuck in life with these unknown changes occurring. I feel stuck in life just imagining what they were feeling. If you didn’t know that spring and summer were returning, what would you be thinking, feeling and doing? Imagine our ancestors’ feelings when the climate began to change as spring neared. The animals returning, birds arriving in the skies, trees coming back to life! Can you imagine?! Our ancestors must have been in awe, wonder, surprise, gratitude …. All is once again well with the world, and with them. It’s as if nature took a little baby step to make big changes. Over time they would learn to read nature’s signs and adjust their lives accordingly, but imagine what that learning process was like.The joys in the revelations and new-found knowledge must have been incredible! Truly they were living a rewarding life!
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
How are you affected by the arrival of spring? Do you sense the newness? When I feel stuck in life I think of what I can do to make the most of spring. What is it that I can learn from Spring? As was true for our ancestors, spring is a time for us to be filled with awe and wonder at new possibilities. Regardless of what has happened in our lives, as nature is re-born, we too are re-born since we have opportunities to do things differently; to change. But how can I change? I take a little baby step when I feel stuck in life.
Most of us know what it’s like to feel stuck in life. One of the reasons why we feel stuck is because of our own thinking. We convince ourselves that we are stuck. A counselor whom I have known now for many years, Terrance Gorski, wrote this quote: “I am capable of thinking …yet I am not my thoughts; I am the thinker of my thoughts; therefore I can change what I feel and still be me.” In other words, since I am the one who thinks and creates my thoughts, it is in my power and capacity to change my thoughts. In so doing I change the way I feel. This in no way changes the events we live through, but if I can change how I think, and also feel, about the life event, than it no longer controls me; I empower myself by controlling me.
Just as spring brings newness from the dead of winter, changing our thoughts has the power to bring newness to our lives. As an aid to finding a rewarding life, here are some of my little baby steps:
- Spend ten minutes in quiet thinking about those areas in your life you want to change. Make a list.
- On your list write down your thoughts/feelings about those areas of your life.
- What is the new thought you need to have to make the necessary changes? Ask someone for help in doing this.
- Practice daily, hourly, or by the minute if necessary, thinking your new thoughts.
Focusing on the power that we have within ourselves allows us to change our thoughts, feelings, and therefore perspective on ourselves as well as on the world around us. When I feel stuck in life, I imitate the newness of spring and create a newness of beauty and a rewarding life within myself.
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Resolving Temper As A Couple
Tempers can flare even among couples who are deeply in love. In this panel discussion I am joined by Stan Tatkin and a group of experts talking about tips to coping with temper.
Arguing with Your Partner – How To Do It In A Healthy Way
Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff
In this podcast video episode I am joined by Stan Tatkin and a panel of experts as we all talk about the ways, and tips, for not sweating the small stuff.
#dontsweatthesmallstuff #paneldiscussion #YourTango #StanTatkin #ChrisShea #lifesjourney #empowerment #mindfulness #lifecoach #lifecoaching #selfhelp #lifechange
How To Make A Resolution A Positive Goal
“Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work.” – Peter Drucker
As the new year began many of us made resolutions for ourselves with healthy living intentions. We resolved to make our life better, to be healthier, to be successful, overall to be different from who we’ve been. But now, as the year progresses, we lament that many of our resolutions are not as accomplished as we hoped, and some we haven’t even started (or started yet now ended). What happened? What went wrong? Let me show you how to make a resolution.
As the Drucker quote states, our plans will not be successful, and we won’t reach our goal, if they don’t entail hard work. If we make resolutions which are too easy to accomplish we either put off for later, or just don’t fulfill us enough to continue with the task. If I may, I would like to expand on Drucker’s quote to include “plans which challenge and inspire us” we are more likely to stick with doing. The idea of hard work is important, but so are tasks which challenge and inspire.
Bonus: Chris Shea is offering this free GIFT explaining how you can improve your life with life coaching! Click here to get it
It’s difficult for us to continue with a task or make a resolution if we don’t imagine the end goal, and that goal not only challenges our abilities but also is inspirational. Meaning, in the wider scope of my life, what impact does this goal make on others. True, resolutions tend to be for our healthy living intentions, but if we can imagine a benefit beyond ourselves we are more likely to complete the resolution.
For example, if we make resolutions to eat healthier, and the goal is solely for my health, and even though the resolution may be challenging, and I am doing my best to actively eat healthier, the odds of this new task continuing, solely based on me being healthier, is slim. But, if I realize, and believe, that my new healthy diet will not only benefit myself but also my family and friends, then my motivation to be an example to others will make the odds of me sticking with my resolution higher.
One of the reasons self-help groups are effective is due to a community effort toward a shared goal. The members form a community of encouragement, understanding, action, and altruism. Each of these qualities are important, but it’s the altruistic nature of the members toward each other which encourages each member to continue in their resolve. If we view our resolutions in a similar way, we will be successful so long as we are altruistic.
Mindfulness, which is focused on living in the moment, is a beneficial foundation for creating our resolutions. Mindfulness teaches us that the past only exists in our minds. Reflecting on the past, when done non-judgmentally, allows us the opportunity to learn more about ourselves from our past experiences and choices. We can celebrate those moments when life was wonderful, and we can examine those moments when life didn’t go well to decide what we can do different now and in our planning for the future. In this way our past isn’t ignored but honored for what it teaches.
Making resolutions is a beneficial way for us to set goals for ourselves based on what we’ve learned from our past. Making these resolutions allows us to live in the moment as we take the time to figure out what it is we resolve to improve. Resolutions don’t need to be made only at the beginning of a new year.
One of the wonderful elements of living in the present moment is that we can “start over” whenever we need to. If my day is not going as planned and I find myself getting frustrated, I can stop, breathe, and start again. I don’t need to wait until the next morning, or even the next year to start over. I can start over any time I feel the need. Therefore, if you find yourself needing more time to work on your resolutions, take the time rather than rushing through a list because of a self-imposed obligation.
Here are my tips for how to make a resolution for healthy living intentions:
- Before creating your resolution list, take the time to reflect on your past. On a piece of paper (or e-device), make two columns, one column for what events went well; another column for those events that did not go well.
- Consider what you have learned from living through the events of both columns. What you feel you need to continue to learn, or to work on, is the beginning of your resolutions list.
- Ensure that any resolution you create is doable and realistic. Yes, we do need to challenge ourselves, but we don’t want to set ourselves up for failure, either.
- For each resolution, write out a “plan of action” listing the resources you will need to accomplish your goal. Make sure that before you start your resolution you have the needed resources necessary to attain your goal.
- Give each resolution a due date, to keep you on track. But, if you find that you are working the resolution yet need more time, be flexible with your schedule.
- And, this is my favorite, be compassionate with yourself! Yes, push yourself and challenge yourself; but if you are honestly doing your best to accomplish your goal, be compassionate during those times which are the toughest.
Make resolutions which will give you a new beginning. Challenge yourself while keeping your expectations reasonable. Then you will see changes in your life which will translate into inner peace.
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Merry Christmas! What Does Today Mean?
Christmas has arrived! That magical time of the year when all seems to be at peace; when nature seems still, wars have paused, enemies have celebrated together, kids believe in magic and the hope of treasure. A time when most of us recall how we spent the season as a child, longing once again for that simplicity of life. Amidst all the secular commercialization, this time of the year still seems to hold a special place in our heart and mind.
In a little town in Italy, named Greccio, in the year 1223, St. Francis of Assisi, led an evening prayer service for the townspeople. To make the event meaningful he decided to recreate, live, the nativity scene of the birth of Jesus. Prior to this event, the displaying of nativity scenes was unheard of. But for St. Francis, the importance of the nativity event was in his belief that it was a real event. Historically, in the town of Bethlehem, a child, later to be named Jesus by his parents, was born. Francis, believing that this child was the son of God born into our world, wanted the people of Greccio to fully understand that our God is approachable and humble for He was born as one of us. What better way to explain this concept than by reenacting the scene with real people! As a result, over a thousand years removed from the town of Greccio, people worldwide display Nativity scenes.
In my reflections I ask myself, “This Christmas how can I make real that which happened over 2,000 years ago”? Every year, since I was a child until now, I watch the classic show “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”. The original version brings back so many fond memories, and now as an adult I continue to enjoy it for the meaning of the story. The Grinch couldn’t take away Christmas by taking away the people’s “stuff”. Christmas, for the Who’s in Whoville, meant a lot more than what they had or didn’t have. For them, Christmas was an internal experience of the heart. A deeper sense of what the season is all about.
What is Christmas all about? Is it the birth of a child, the son of God, into the world? And if so, what does that mean for me today? The humble birth of Jesus is a sign of the love God has for us, and that love needs to be put into action in the love we have for others. In order for us to fully love another we first need to love and respect ourselves. As God becomes one of us He shows us the importance of us as humans. If God respects us than we also need to respect ourselves We were worthy enough for our Lord to become one of us, it is important for us to feel that worthiness within ourselves. When we love ourselves we are more fully able to love those around us, and that outpouring of love makes “real” the presence of God in our lives.
So, what is this season all about? Loving ourselves and loving others so that the love of God may be present in our world. This is what St. Francis tried to show the people of Greccio. I hope Francis’ message continues today in the nativity scenes we have set up. This Christmas season find ways to make Jesus real in the lives of others. If we all did this, gave the present of love to another, just think of how different our world be. Each day is a new opportunity for us. Let’s take the magic of this season and make today a magical day of love.
I wish you and your loved ones a very merry, blessed and peace-filled Christmas!!
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Mary’s Example Of Faith And Trust – Christmas Eve
As a child, I recall Christmas Eve as one of the longest days ever! As an adult, I find this day filled with anticipation and excitement, for spiritually I know that tomorrow we commemorate the birth of Jesus my Lord. But today the birth is not my focus, rather, my focus turns to His mother, Mary. She was an unwed teenager from a small town in a desert who was asked the impossible; to trust so deeply in God when asked to bear God’s son. I have no doubt that Mary’s “yes” came with some hesitation and trepidation. And I’m sure she did not always have a pleasant time of it when dealing with her future husband, her family, and just the fact of being pregnant in general. Yet, through it all, Mary never gave up.
Jesus was born to this poor teenage girl in a stable in a small town in the far reaches of the Roman empire. He was born to a girl who took a leap of faith and trusted in her God. She persevered, not knowing the outcome. Onward she traveled, despite hardship and fear.
For me, Christmas is not only a time of celebration and remembrance; it is also a time when I feel challenged to live the example set forth by Mary; to trust, in faith, in my God; to persevere along the journey even though I may be scared or not understanding its end or purpose in my life. Today, let’s follow the example of Mary, a poor young teenage girl, who struggled the best she could, and in the end provided the world with its savior.
I share this song for your reflection (words are below). This song sums up for me how I imagine Mary felt. How do the words speak to you?
Breath of Heaven
I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I’ve done
Holy Father, You have come
Chosen me now to carry Your Son
Do You wonder as You watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am for the mercy of Your plan
Help me be strong, help me be help me
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For You’re holy
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For Your holy breath of heaven
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