It’s not the substance. It never was. It’s the loneliness underneath the substance.

In 2026, the former U.S. Surgeon General put it plainly: “loneliness carries a mortality risk comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. The same year, a landmark study showed that a mindfulness-based therapy for opioid misuse — one built around connection and savoring, not willpower — produces an $84 return for every $1 spent.”

The science is catching up to what I’ve seen in the office. Now we have a choice: keep treating the symptom, or finally treat the wound.

The Question I Get Every Week

It comes from a son. A wife. A mother. Sometimes from the person themselves.

“Why can’t they just stop?”

I’ve heard that question in treatment centers, in boardrooms, in living rooms after funerals. After 30+ years in this work — clinician, administrator, public policy advocate — I want to answer it once, fully.

The short answer: asking “why can’t they just stop” is the same as asking a person with diabetes why they can’t just will their pancreas to work. The American Medical Association officially classified addiction as a disease in 1957. Almost seventy years later, we’re still arguing about it!

The longer answer is the one I want to spend this post on: the disease is real, but the disease is not the whole story. The substance didn’t choose your loved one. Loneliness did the recruiting. The substance just showed up to do the work.

I think of a man I’ll call David — successful, married, two kids, the kind of guy who coached Little League on weekends. He came to me after his third DUI. His wife said, “I don’t understand. You have everything. Why would you throw it away?” What David told me, quietly, was this: “I haven’t felt like I belong anywhere since I was twelve. The whiskey made me feel like I could be in the room without wanting to leave.”

David wasn’t broken. He was lonely. The whiskey was the coping mechanism.

What the 2026 Research Actually Says

If you’ve felt alone in this, the research has finally caught up with your experience. Three findings from this year alone have impacted how I think about my own work:

1. Loneliness is a public health emergency — and addiction is one of its symptoms.

More than 60% of U.S. adults now report societal division as a significant source of stress. The Surgeon General’s 2026 follow-up work from Vivek Murthy and the Together Project is now in active national rollout.

“Loneliness is associated with a shortening of lifespan, a mortality impact comparable to smoking and obesity.” — Vivek Murthy, Staying Human, 2026

2. The brain-changes of addiction are real — and they make loneliness worse.

Modern neuroscience has shown that addiction reshapes the brain’s reward, decision-making, and impulse-control systems. The same substances that produce short-term relief progressively destroy the very neurochemical pathways that allow us to feel connected, to trust, to belong. What starts as self-medication for isolation becomes the engine of more isolation.

3. Treatment that rebuilds connection works — and it’s dramatically cost-effective.

Eric Garland’s Mindfulness-Oriented Recovery Enhancement (MORE) — a therapy built on mindfulness, reappraisal, and savoring positive experiences — cut opioid misuse by 45% at nine-month follow-up in a 250-person randomized trial. The cost-effectiveness analysis published in February 2026 found a benefit-to-cost ratio of 84.2:1 — meaning every dollar spent on connection-based treatment saves roughly $84 in healthcare, criminal justice, and lost productivity.

Let that number sit with you. Eighty-four to one.

We have known how to do this for years. We have not, as a society, chosen to do it.

Why This Matters If You Love Someone Who Is Struggling

If you are the spouse, the parent, the sibling, the friend, the coworker — the person watching from the outside while someone you love is being eaten alive — I want to say this directly:

It is not your fault. And it is not a failure of love.

Most of the people I have counseled over thirty years started using because something inside them was already in pain. A childhood wound. A divorce. A layoff. A loss. Sometimes nothing they could name. They reached for a substance because it was the fastest, most reliable way to feel less alone — even if the relief was temporary, even if it cost them everything afterward.

What you are seeing is not a character flaw. It is a brain, hijacked, doing the only thing it knows how to do to survive.

And here is the part the research now confirms: the way out is not more punishment. It is more connection.

I remember a mother — let’s call her Sandy — who came to me exhausted. Her son had been in and out of treatment for five years. She said, “I’ve tried everything. Tough love, ultimatums, paying for rehab, cutting him off. Nothing works.” We spent three sessions talking about her exhaustion, her isolation, her need for support. She started going to Al-Anon. She started sleeping again. And here’s the part that surprised her: her son started calling her again. Not for money. Just to talk. The connection came back when she stopped trying to fix him and started tending to herself.

Why This Matters If You Are the One Struggling

If you are the one in it, reading this between binges, or in the parking lot before a meeting, or at 3 a.m. when the house is quiet — I want you to know something.

I have sat with you. Not literally, but in the way that thirty years of sitting across from people in your exact position makes a counselor know things. I have watched you try to quit. I have watched the part of you that wants to be free fight the part of you that is terrified to be sober, because sober means feeling everything you used the substance to avoid.

That terrified part is not your enemy. It is the part of you that learned, long before the substance, that you had to do this alone. It is the part that does not believe anyone could love you without the performance, the achievement, the mask.

You are not too far gone. There is no such thing. I have seen people come back from an edge I would not have believed possible.

But you cannot do it alone. That is not a slogan. That is biology, sociology, and thirty years of clinical experience talking. The very condition that made the substance attractive — disconnection — is what makes white-knuckle sobriety fail. You need people. You need a path back to yourself. You need a guide who has seen this before.

That is what connection does. It is the medicine. It is also, in its own quiet way, a kind of grace — the kind that shows up when you finally let someone else hold the weight with you.

The Practical Part: What to Actually Do

I promised you practical action steps, and I do not want to disappoint. These are not theoretical. These come from three decades of practice, from the science of 2026, and from what has actually worked for the people I have walked beside.

If You Are the Loved One

1. Stop asking “Why can’t they just stop?” and start asking “What pain are they trying to outrun?”

That single reframe will change the conversations in your home. It is not soft on addiction. It is the truth of addiction. The substance is the symptom. The pain is the wound.

2. Reconnect before you correct.

A person in active addiction cannot hear your logic. They cannot understand your frustration. But they can feel whether you are with them or against them. Before any confrontation, any ultimatum, any intervention — sit with them. Share a meal. Take a walk. Let them know you are staying. The conversation about treatment happens after the connection is rebuilt, not before.

3. Get your own support.

Family members of people with addiction have higher rates of depression, anxiety, and substance use themselves. You are not a spare part. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, SMART Family & Friends, and family therapy are not optional. They are how you stay well enough to be useful to the person you love.

4. Use connection-based treatment, not willpower-based treatment.

When you help your loved one find help, look for programs that integrate peer support, family involvement, and mindfulness-based or community-oriented care. The 2026 evidence is clear: programs that focus only on the individual in isolation have worse long-term outcomes. Ask any program you are considering: How do you build connection into treatment? If they don’t have a clear answer, keep looking.

If You Are the One Struggling

1. Tell one person. Just one.

Not on social media. Not in a confession. In a real voice, to a real human, in a real room. A counselor. A friend. A clergy member. A sponsor. A doctor. The act of telling is itself the first reconnection. Your nervous system cannot stay in chronic hiding and chronic recovery at the same time. Pick one person. Tell them.

2. Reach for the smallest version of a connection-first step.

You do not have to “get sober today.” You do not have to walk into a treatment center tomorrow. You have to take one step that moves you back toward people. A phone call. A walk to a meeting. A text to the friend you have been avoiding. A page on a treatment center’s website. Small is not weak. Small is how everything that lasts actually starts.

3. Practice the PAUSE before the substance.

In the moments when the craving hits — and it will — try this:

• Pause. Stop for a moment.
• Acknowledge. Notice where you feel the urge in your body.
• Understand. Tell yourself, “I am reaching for relief from a pain I have not yet named.”
• Settle. Take one slow breath.
• Engage. Now choose. Maybe you call someone. Maybe you walk outside. Maybe you just breathe again.

The substance never taught you to ask for help. Mindfulness can. It is not a replacement for treatment, but it is a bridge to treatment, and a daily practice that strengthens the part of you that wants to be free.

4. Build your recovery capital.

“Recovery capital” is the sum of resources that support your recovery — and social connection is the single largest piece of it. Recovery capital includes:

• A safe place to sleep
• At least one person who knows your story
• A purpose (work, volunteer, family, faith, creative practice)
• A practice (meditation, prayer, exercise, journaling)
• Access to a counselor or treatment team

You do not have to build all of this at once. You have to build one piece at a time, and you have to let other people help you build it.

5. Service to someone else.

Paradoxically, one of the most powerful forms of recovery medicine is helping someone in worse shape than you. It doesn’t have to be formal. Check on a neighbor. Show up for a meeting and listen to the newcomer. Service reminds you that you have something to give — and that you belong to something bigger than your own pain.

What I Want You to Hear

I have been doing this work since 1994. I have watched thousands of people fight this disease. Some won. Some lost. Almost all of them, in the end, came to the same conclusion:

The substance was not the enemy. The loneliness was the enemy. The substance was the coping mechanism. Connection was the cure.

The research now agrees. The Surgeon General now agrees. The economists now agree, with their 84-to-1 numbers. The American Medical Association agreed in 1957, when most of the rest of the country wasn’t ready to listen.

We are ready now. Or at least, more of us are.

If you are struggling — you are not alone, and you are not too far gone. If you love someone who is struggling — they are not gone, and you are not powerless. The path out is real, and it is built, plank by plank, out of human connection.

That is what we have been missing. That is what we cannot afford to keep missing.

Call to Action

If you or someone you love is caught in the cycle of addiction and loneliness, please do not try to walk this road alone. Reach out. There are people whose entire life’s work is to walk it with you.

For you — or for someone you love:

• Lifesjourney Life Coaching — I offer one-on-one life coaching and addiction guidance worldwide via video. We work on the underlying pain, not just the symptom. Book a free consultation or call 240-587-7854.

If you want to bring this conversation to your community:

I speak at conferences, workplaces, faith communities, and recovery events nationwide on the connection between loneliness, addiction, and recovery. If you are organizing an event and want a speaker who has lived this work for thirty years, let’s talk about your event or message me on LinkedIn at linkedin.com/in/christophershea1.

If this post moved you, please share it with one person who needs it. That is the smallest version of connection. It is the first step back to someone who has been walking alone.

“The rewards that you get from ‘likes,’ from people reposting your content… they give you a temporary and very short-lived gratification. But what’s different about building real relationships — a connection where somebody knows you for who you are, where you can be authentically yourself — those relationships are extraordinarily protective for our mental and our physical health.”
— Vivek Murthy, Staying Human, 2026

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Is Addiction A Disease?

The first question that needs to be addressed is whether addiction can be classified as a disease. There is some debate among experts as to whether addiction should be considered a disease. Some argue that it is not because it does not cause long term damage to the body. Others say that it is because people who suffer from addiction often experience withdrawal symptoms if they stop taking drugs.

There are many definitions of disease, but for the purposes of this article I will use the World Health Organization’s definition: “a broad category that includes any disorder with harmful consequences for an individual”.

Addiction has harmful consequences for those who are struggling with its use: it can destroy relationships and marriages; lead to homelessness; result in loss of employment and income, and even lead to death. Recent scientific research has shown significant and detrimental effects on brain chemistry and function, so it’s safe to call addiction a disease.

To Understand Addiction is Important

Our understanding of addiction and recovery has evolved tremendously in recent years. Today, we know that addiction is not a choice and that achieving long-term sobriety is an extremely difficult, but attainable, goal. To understand addiction we can better understand those suffering from the disease, allowing us to find inner peace in knowing that the person can recover with the appropriate treatment.

Yes, the use of a substance, regardless of its legal status, is a choice and the person’s personal responsibility. Yet, that choice is not unlike the choice of those whose chronic illness demands daily exercise, medication, proper diet, etc. All choice ends in a consequence, foreseen or unforeseen, healthy or unhealthy. The choice to not abide by my doctor’s prescribed diet could lead a person with cardiovascular disease to suffer a heart attack, or a person with diabetes to lose a limb. The choice of a person with an addiction to using an addictive substance could lead to unhealthy consequences. 

So yes, the use of a substance is a choice, not unlike any other life choices we make on a daily basis. The difference, however, is that once the brain chemistry is changed and altered by the addictive substance, the physical impulse to continue to use is now automatic. 

The person who uses a substance does not do so in an attempt to become addicted to it, just as the person who chooses to eat red meat and fried foods does not do so in an attempt to suffer cardiac illness. Therefore, the choice lies in the use of a substance (drug, food, etc), not in the resulting bodily changes manifesting in disease or illness. 

“Addiction involves craving for something intensely, loss of control over its use, and continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences. Addiction changes the brain, first by subverting the way it registers pleasure and then by corrupting other normal drives such as learning and motivation. Although breaking an addiction is tough, it can be done.” (Source: helpguide.org) 

Today we recognize addiction as a chronic disease that changes both brain structure and function. Addiction damages the brain in a similar way to how heart disease damages the heart and diabetes impairs the pancreas. This occurs as the brain undergoes a series of changes, starting with recognizing pleasure and ending with an urge to repeat the experience.

“It’s common for a person to relapse, but relapse doesn’t mean that treatment doesn’t work. As with other chronic health conditions, treatment should be ongoing and should be adjusted based on how the patient responds. Treatment plans need to be reviewed often and modified to fit the patient’s changing needs.” (Source: nida.nih.gov) 

According to research, the rate of relapse for those struggling with addiction is not more prevalent than that of other medical illnesses. Those who relapse with an addictive substance do so at the same rate as people suffering from other chronic illnesses. This means that addiction should be treated like any other chronic disease, with a focus on long-term management and prevention of relapse. 

Addiction is a serious disease that can cause great harm to sufferers and their loved ones. However, with the right treatment, recovery is possible. By understanding addiction, we can better support those struggling with this disease and find inner peace by knowing that they can overcome their daily suffering.

The Brain and How It Changes When Addicted

There are many factors that contribute to addiction, but the most common cause is a chemical imbalance in the brain. This can be caused by a person’s genetics, childhood trauma, or even environment. Like other chronic diseases, addiction wreaks havoc on the brain. It impairs cognitive functioning and decision-making and can lead to changes in brain structure and chemistry. Over time, addiction can cause serious damage to the brain, making it difficult, yet not impossible, for people to recover and live healthy, productive lives.

“Substance abuse affects many parts of the body, but the organ most impacted is the brain. When a person consumes a substance such as drugs or alcohol, the brain produces large amounts of dopamine; this triggers the brain’s reward system. After repeated drug use, the brain is unable to produce normal amounts of dopamine on its own. This means addicted people may struggle to find enjoyment in pleasurable activities, like spending time with friends or family, when they are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol.” (Source: addictioncenter.com)

Addiction, therefore, is a brain disease that alters the way the brain functions, causing changes in behavior, thought, and emotion. The effects of addiction are not always permanent, but it takes time for the brain to heal and return to its normal state. Our thoughts and emotional reactions are mainly learned, so when an individual stops ingesting substances, the body physically adapts while the brain needs time for the person to learn new healthy thoughts and emotional responses to life. 

It’s true that addiction has a personal responsibility component, but once the person’s substance use has chemically altered their brain, professional care and treatment are needed for long-term recovery. This process is not unlike that of any other chronic medical disease. Most diseases require personal responsibility and professional treatment for sustained recovery.

Addiction Treatment & Prevention

There are many different types of addiction treatment programs available, including outpatient, residential, and intensive outpatient. Some programs offer both short-term and long-term options. Since we know that addiction is a medical disease, treatment needs to address the holistic person, including their physical needs along with the psychological issues, adapting to healthy thoughts and emotions, along with the social aspect of utilizing new learned social skills.

Like other chronic diseases, addiction to alcohol or other drugs can be managed successfully so that you can live a full and rewarding life. Most people who go to treatment programs not only stop using alcohol or other drugs but also improve their occupational, social, and psychological functioning. Having a chronic disease means you will never get rid of the disease, but you don’t have to suffer daily from the disease.

Millions of people around the world are proof that recovery is stronger than addiction. I have been a counselor and administrator involved in addiction treatment since 1994. Decades of knowing people who have recovered to live healthy lives are proof that treatment is effective.

If a person is unwilling to seek treatment, be patient and continue to encourage them. One’s motivation to enter treatment does not have to be the motivation that keeps them in treatment or recovery. In other words, why they start treatment does not have to be “perfect”, they simply need to start the process.

In Summary

It is important to understand that addiction is a chronic disease that is treatable. With proper holistic treatment, people can and do recover, living fulfilling lives. Understanding addiction and recovery lead to inner peace, which is an important goal for many of us.

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Through the decades of working with clients, who struggle with trauma and addiction for their freedom through recovery I have learned that more often than not, they are also running from past life memories of traumatic experiences. They lack strong coping skills, therefore turning to avoidance rather than dealing with life’s issues head-on.

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) report that more than a third of adolescents with a report of abuse or neglect will have a substance use disorder before they reach their 18th birthday (Behavioural consequences of child abuse ). The reality of trauma is that it can come from anywhere and manifest in a variety of physical and psychological symptoms.

What do I mean when I write the word trauma? When a person fears for their safety, experiences intense pain, or witnesses a tragic or violent act, that person can be described as having experienced trauma. Levels of resiliency vary from person to person, so reactions to traumatic events are similarly varied. Although frightening experiences impact people at any age, adults will generally be more likely to manage through trauma than children will be, assuming they have learned healthy coping skills.

Too many in our society continue in their errant thinking that addiction is a choice or a moral failing, despite the medical and scientific evidence to the contrary. Since 1957 the American Medical Association classified alcoholism as a medical disease “not unlike any other medical disease.” Yet how often do we treat people diagnosed with addiction with the same care and compassion we do people diagnosed with cancer or heart failure?

Understanding and grasping the concept that addiction has it’s roots in trauma, that there’s a connection between trauma and addiction, takes away the judgment. Who would judge a child as guilty of causing their own physical or sexual abuse? Children raised in poverty and illness, not feeling safe or settled or loved; do we judge them as guilty and ask why they chose that lifestyle? Of course not!

So if we understand and accept the connection between the experiences of these children and their later adulthood addiction, why do we now judge them? Are not their adult thoughts and feelings shaped from their childhood? Are not yours? If we agree that a child’s condition is not their choice, then we need to understand that that same child, now an adult, is making choices in life based on their childhood experiences and learning. If they were never taught how to cope, or if they had to teach themselves how to cope, that influences their adult coping decisions. We don’t judge the child; therefore, we are not to judge the adult’s childhood influences.

The connection between trauma and addiction is one of the reasons I continue to advocate for treating the core root of one’s dependence rather than alleviating the symptoms. Using money in an attempt to fix the ills of our society may curb some of the drug and alcohol use, but if we don’t teach the person to cope with daily living, healthily, then regardless of how society changes, they’ll continue to suffer in their addiction. Societal change needs to happen, but what I’m saying is that we need to look beyond the apparent surface reasons of a person’s substance use to find the deeper rooted issues driving the person into escapism.

Sometimes, years of self-medicating through drugs and alcohol have effectively dulled the memory of trauma, so the only problem seems to be substance abuse and addiction. A person who has suppressed or ignored traumatic experiences may work very hard to get and stay sober, only to find other addictive behaviors eventually replacing the drugs and alcohol. Acknowledging that trauma exists, and so treating that trauma takes away the “need” for their addictive behaviors.

Substance abuse is often used as a coping mechanism to deal with painful memories associated with childhood. Using drugs and alcohol is also a way to deal with feelings of loneliness and isolation, improve a sense of self-worth, and to cope with untreated mental health issues such as PTSD, depression, and anxiety. When we view a person who is addicted from the perspective that they are victims with a medical illness, then we’ll treat them with the care and compassion necessary for the encouragement and hope of healing and recovery.

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As the opioid crisis continues to get worse, more and more families are affected by addiction and are seeking ways to cope with a situation that places any family in a crisis mode. Even the healthiest of families find their world turned upside down when needing to deal with a family member suffering from addiction. I have worked in the addiction field for a couple decades and have seen the positive outcomes of recovery and have witnessed how families have gone from their lowest points to becoming healthy and whole. I am not saying this is easy, but I am saying it is possible.

Addiction is a chronic disease characterized by drug and alcohol seeking and use that is compulsive and difficult to control, despite harmful consequences. Even though addiction is classified as a disease not unlike any other medical disease, many in our society continue to view addiction as a moral failing and a choice rather than the chronic disease that it is. The American Medical Association, back in 1957, declared alcoholism (and subsequently chemical addiction) a medical disease. Not unlike chronic heart disease or diabetes, chronic addiction is treatable yet not curable. A person diagnosed with having an addiction does not have to suffer daily from that addiction but must daily treat their addiction.

Addiction is a “family disease” since the family unit is greatly impacted by a member’s active illness. As the disease of addiction progresses and the person with the disease begins to change their behavior, attitudes, and how they deal with the family, the family unit changes their behaviors and thoughts in order to cope with the changes of the person suffering from the addiction. When the person with the addiction enters recovery, meaning they are no longer actively using, their behaviors and thoughts will return to a more healthy view of life. But, if the family has not made any changes then the family unit remains unhealthy as they continue to view the person in recovery as if they were still using.

What can a family do to cope with the addiction crisis and upheaval in their lives? Let me first start with a  few “don’ts” for a family to consider:

1. Don’t blame yourself! Although this is a natural response to the crisis, blaming oneself does not offer a solution but only spirals you into a depression. The reality is that you did not cause your family member to use regardless of what they may tell you while in the midst of their active addiction. It’s important to remind yourself that this is not your fault and you are not to blame!
2. As difficult as this may be, don’t live your life solely for the person with the addiction. Instead, continue, as much as possible, to live your life as you have been.
3. Don’t enable. This is very difficult but essential to helping the person with the addiction to move toward recovery. Enabling takes many forms but generally speaking, anything you do which ultimately helps the person continue with their addictive behaviors is enabling.  In most cases, family members don’t enable out of a desire to continue the addiction, but rather they make choices, out of love, but which end up enabling instead of helping.

Let’s now look at a few tips that a family can do to cope when addiction runs in the family:

1. The first thing I always recommend families do is to care for themselves. Coping with a family member who is suffering from addiction is quite taxing and drains family resources. It’s important to do things which have nothing to do with the coping of the person with the addiction. If the family member is outside of the house then the rest of the family needs to take time to do things on their own to maintain their family bonds. If the person suffering from the addiction lives in the household it is important to have family time without that person and not talking about the addiction. Don’t allow the disease of addiction suffered by one person to bring down the entire family.
2. Educate yourself about addiction. The more you know the more you will understand what your loved one is going through and how best you can help them. Understanding that it is not your job to change them, but as a family, it is your responsibility to guide and support them to the best of your ability. As I mentioned above, you are not to blame for the situation and so it is not your responsibility to “fix” the situation.
3. One way to help with family self-care and education is to seek family or individual counseling or to find support groups. Groups such as Al-Anon are made up of members who are also doing their best to cope with the active addiction of a loved one. I know it’s difficult to seek help, but if the family falls apart how will the family ever be able to help the person with the addiction? Seeking outside help will, in the end, teach healthy coping methods which will bring the family closer together.
4. Managing expectations will keep you grounded and remove some of your stress and anxiety. Many of us feel anxious or stressed when outcomes don’t match up with our expectations. Keeping our expectations based on reality will help us feel some inner peace. For example, a reasonable expectation is that the person suffering from the addiction seeks help, whereas an unreasonable expectation is that the person will become cured just because you told them to stop using. If recovery were as simple as being told to stop doing what they’re doing they would have done that earlier.
5. Continually remind yourself and the rest of the family that addiction is a disease and not a moral failing to be judged. The longer you feel that it is a moral failing the more frustrated you will become when your loved one continues their use. Reminding yourself that they are suffering from a disease will reduce some of your frustration as you realize that your family member is not necessarily being obstinate but that they need proper medical care to treat the illness from which they suffer.

Not only does the person with the active addiction suffer from the consequences of their disease but so do their loved ones and family members. The disease of addiction is a family disease, so treating it as such will help all members of the family cope in a healthy way with the crisis placed upon them. Never give up hope! I have witnessed many families come out the other end of addiction closer and healthier than they were prior to the crisis. Seek help for your loved one, but just as importantly seek help for the family.

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More and more families are affected by addiction and are seeking ways to cope with a situation that places any family in a crisis mode. Even the healthiest of families find their world turned upside down when needing to deal with a family member suffering from addiction. I have worked in the addiction field for a couple decades and have seen the positive outcomes of recovery and have witnessed how families have gone from their lowest points to becoming healthy and whole. I am not saying this is easy, but I am saying it is possible.

Before I get into discussing the impact that addiction has on a family and what the family can do to cope with the addiction, I would like to offer a definition of addiction. Addiction is referred to as a chronic disease characterized by drug seeking and use that is compulsive, or difficult to control, despite harmful consequences. Yes, addiction is classified as a disease not unlike any other medical disease. unfortunately, many in our society continue to view addiction as a moral failing and a choice rather than the chronic disease that it is. If you are unsure that addiction is a disease please check medical websites as they will show you why and how the medical profession views addiction as a disease.

What we mean when we say that addiction is chronic, is that addiction runs in families and is passed on from generation to generation. Not unlike chronic heart disease or diabetes, chronic addiction is treatable yet not curable. A person diagnosed with having an addiction does not have to suffer daily from that addiction but must daily treat the addiction.

I like to refer to addiction as a “family disease” since the family unit is greatly impacted by an individual member’s active illness. As the disease of addiction progresses and the person with the disease begins to change their behavior, attitudes, and how they deal with the family, the family unit changes their behaviors and thoughts in order to cope with the changes of the person with addiction. When the person with the addiction enters recovery, meaning they are no longer actively using, their behaviors and thoughts will return to a more healthy view of life. But, if the family has not made any changes then the family unit remains unhealthy as they continue to view the person in recovery as if they were still using.

Therefore, it’s important to treat the person with the addiction as well as to treat the family as a whole. Not that it’s the fault of the family, but rather it’s to help the family learn healthy coping skills. If a family member were diagnosed with chronic cancer the family as a whole would be greatly impacted and would change how they view the person with cancer. Helping that family cope with the member suffering from cancer is no different than helping a family cope with a person suffering from an addiction.

So, what can a family do to cope with the crisis and upheaval in their lives as they experience the active addiction of one of their members? Let me first start with a  few “don’ts” for a family to consider:

1. Don’t blame yourself! Although this is a natural response to the crisis, blaming oneself does not offer a solution but only spirals you into a depression or a “pity party”. The reality is that you did not cause your family member to use regardless of what they may tell you while in the midst of their active addiction. Even if we were to admit it was your fault, the act of blaming yourself still does not give us a workable solution to cope with or solve the problem. It’s important to remind yourself that this is not your fault and you are not to blame!
2. As difficult as this may be, don’t live your life solely for the person with the addiction. Instead, continue, as much as possible, to live your life as you have been.
3. Don’t enable. This is very difficult but essential to helping the person with the addiction to move toward recovery. Enabling takes many forms but generally speaking anything you do which ultimately helps the person to continue with their addictive behaviors is enabling.  In most cases family members don’t enable out of a desire to continue the addiction, but rather they make choices, out of love, but which end up enabling instead of helping.

Let’s now look at a few tips that a family can do to cope when addiction runs in the family:

1. The first thing I always recommend families do is to care of themselves. Coping with a family member who is suffering from addiction is quite taxing and drains family resources. It’s important to do things which have nothing to do with the coping of the person with the addiction. If the family member is outside of the house then the rest of the family needs to take time to do things on their own to maintain their family bonds. If the person suffering from the addiction lives in the household it is important to have family time either with or without that person but not talking about the addiction. Don’t allow the disease of addiction suffered by one person bring down the entire family.
2. Educate yourself about addiction. The more you know the more you will understand what your loved one is going through and how best you can help them. Understanding that it is not your job to change them, but as a family it is your responsibility to guide and support them to the best of your ability. As I mentioned above, you are not to blame for the situation and so it is not your full responsibility to “fix” the situation.
3. One way to help with family self-care and education is to seek family or individual counseling, or to find support groups. Groups such as Al-Anon are made up of members who are also doing their best to cope with the active addiction of a loved one. I know it’s difficult to seek help, but if the family falls apart how will the family ever be able to help the person with the addiction? Seeking outside help will, in the end, teach healthy coping methods which will bring the family closer together.
4. Managing expectations will keep you grounded and remove some of your stress and anxiety. Many of us feel anxious or stressed when  outcomes don’t match up with our expectations. Keeping our expectations based on reality will help us feel some inner peace. For example, a reasonable expectation is that the person suffering from the addiction seeks help, whereas an unreasonable expectation is that the person will become cured just because you told them to stop using. If recovery were as simple as being told to stop doing what they’re doing they would have done that at the beginning.
5. Continually remind yourself and the rest of the family that addiction is a disease and not a moral failing to be judged. The longer you feel that it is a moral failing the more  frustrated you will become when your loved one continues their use. Reminding yourself that they are suffering from a disease will reduce some of your frustration as you realize that your family member is not necessarily being obstinate but that they need proper medical care to treat the illness from which they suffer.

Not only does the person with the active addiction suffer from the consequences of their disease but so do their loved ones and family members. The disease of addiction is a family disease, so treating it as such will help all members of the family cope in a healthy way with the crisis placed upon them. Never give up hope! I have witnessed many families come out the other end of addiction closer and healthier than they were prior to the crisis. Seek help for your loved one, but just as importantly seek help for the family.

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